crawling to touch the annointing of God

Hallelujah.

2010-02-15T09:44:00.000-06:00

One of the most incredible songs ever written, along with being performed by a very talented upcoming group (The Canadian Tenors) and THE Celine Dion herself. Everytime I watch this I get chills. EVERYTIME.

Eyes through Another Lense

2009-11-24T16:50:00.003-06:00

This year at Christmas, I encourage each of you to look at giving a little differently this year. Instead of flooding you family members with beautiful gifts or spending large amounts of money on the newest "it" item, I challenge you to give a gift that will save a life, encourage a healthy lifestyle, and bring hope to someone in need.

Give money to the Romanian Evangelistic Medical Mission to help get orphans into safe and healthy homes.

Give a pair of shoes from TOMS Shoes to your brother so that a child who doesn't have a pair, can experience what it's like to run around outside with shoes on.

Give a goat or a blanket, in honor of your mom, to a family in need living in a third world country through World Vision.

Give money in your family's name through Blood Water Mission in order to allow people in Africa living amounst the AIDS crisis taste clean water for the first time.

Or give money in order to bring rescue and restoration to victims of slavery, sexual exploitation, and other forms of violent oppression through The International Justice Mission.

There are countless organizations out there looking for people to help, donate, and show that they want to do something in order to bring justice to our world. I encourage you to consider stepping forward to help save lives through the gifts that you give.

The next Rachel Ray? Probably not...

2009-11-19T11:21:00.000-06:00

Over the past couple of years, I have discovered a love and talent for cooking that I didn't know I had. Growing up I didn't help my mom cook, nor did I ask her to teach me how. It wasn't until my junior year of college that I decided that I should figure out how to since I was living on my own in an apartment and would need to cook for myself. I couldn't just walk across campus to Hubble or Olmsted anymore to get a meal, but I actually had to feed myself. After one bad attempted meal, I realized how important it was for me to figure out how to prepare a dish.

I stuck with cooking the same six things through college, but I began to expand my horizon once I moved to Wichita, bought my own house, had a real job, and felt like I was a real adult. It was time to step away from my comfort foods of pasta with red sauce and macaroni and cheese.

I gathered up as many cook books as I could get my hands on; I searched at garage sales, sale racks at Wal-Mart, and even took a few out of my mom's hands that she didn't use. I searched the web and printed recipe after recipe so that I always knew I had a variety to chose from whenever I wanted to make a meal. At first I did it because I wanted to eat healthier and was sick of having the same thing, but [especially] this past year the chore that it first was has turned into a passion.

I can't wait to cook for Matt and I most nights. Last night I made tilapia filets cooked in diced tomatoes, oregano, sautéed with orange pepper, onion, and garlic, put over rice. It was wonderful.

My shoe box full of written out and printed recipes is growing quickly. I hope to make a recipe book soon so that I no longer have to scramble through my box.

I may not be the next Iron Chef or Rachel Ray, but cooking is a form of art I will continue to pursue. Plus, seeing the smiles on people’s faces after feeding them a delicious meal brings joy to my heart!

A Good Experience

2009-09-24T14:27:00.000-05:00

Overall, I would say that I had a good experience while serving on Jury Duty. I don't plan on putting my name on a list to serve a case once a month, or once every year for that matter, but I'm glad that I was picked.

It was interesting to me to sit through the trial, learn about the court system, and experience what a trial is really like, rather than rely on Judge Judy or Law & Order to tell me everything I need to know about the juditial system. I never knew all of the rules and instructions that had to be followed by the lawyers, the judge, the witnesses, and the jury.

I was not allowed to talk about the case while the trial was occuring, which was hard for me, but it kept our opinions safe from being swayed one way or another. This also included talking to my jury-mates. It wasn't until deliberation day after the case was complete that we were allowed to say anything about it. And in order to discuss, all 12 had to be in the jury room; no where else.

Once the trial was over, we were told that we could talk about it, research it, give opinions about it, etc etc etc; it didn't need to be kept a secret any longer.

My case involved a 13 year old girl who accused her father of touching her in a lewd manner one night when she was 10. At the very beginning of the trial, something in my heart continued to say "he's not guilty." I remember thinking, Why do I feel this way? I don't know enough to make a decision yet.

As the trial continued on for the next three days, this feeling remained within and began to increase. (In order to proclaim that someone is guilty, the jury must have no reasonable doubt. If in fact a person has even a hint of reasonable doubt about the accusation, then automatically that person is not guilty.)

By the end of the trial I was confident that the man was not guilty. I felt that the state had not done enough to prove to me that this situation occured in the manner that was presented. It was a very hearsay case (he said/she said). I felt the witnesses were not reliable, situations were stretched, and words were taken out of context.

My heart went out to this man and to the daughter, even if I couldn't believe what the daughter claimed.

The hardest thing during the trial was to not think with my feelings, because everyone who knows me knows that I am a very emotionally driven person; we too could not think about what could happen afterwards. Relying on feelings and what could happen afterwards could greatly influence a person's decision for the verdict, so I tried with all that I had to think like my husband (an engineer).

Once myself and the rest of the jury went into the deliberation room, we talked through things first, and then we took a vote to see where everyone was at. Myself and another gentleman were hardset on not guilty. Eight were set on guilty. Two others were unsure which way, but said they were leaning more towards guilty.

We spent about three hours discussing, re-listening to evidence, and making sure that our verdict would go with the instructions written from the judge. My heart continued to break because I felt there was not even close to enough evidence to prove this man did was the acusation said he did. We recessed and agreed to think about it over the weekend and return Monday to agree on a verdict.

I went home and I prayed like I've never prayed before. There was no way I was willing to declare a hung jury (for numerous reasons), but I felt that my God was big enough to change the hearts of these people if the man was in fact innocent. I spent night and day weeping, praying that hearts would be changed.

When I returned on Monday, we took a count right away to see where people were at.

Ten people were for not guilty; the other two were set on guilty.

I almost started crying right there in the jury room because of the faithfulness of my God I was able to witness. Even before I was picked for this jury, I prayed and asked the Lord to put me on this trial IF He needed me on it to stand up for justice. And I was able to do so.

After more investigation and discussion, the two men finally changed over to not guilty, fully understanding that there wasn't enough truth presented to imprision this man.

I was even more encouraged and the decision was confirmed when the judge told us later that afternoon (after the trial), that he too would have voted the man not guilty.

God needed me to stand up for justice, and I was able to witness a miracle of hard hearts changed to see truth. It was one of the most beautiful and powerful things I've ever experienced. Daily, I try and pray for Jeff, and also for Lacey, as both of their worlds have been turned upside down since this accusatoin was made one year ago in October. I will probably never see them again or ever talk to them, but God has reminded me that they too need prayer, even if I never know the outcome of their lives.

Stand up for justice.
Believe that it will be served.
And trust our God to break down the walls that stop it from occuring.

CHOSEN.

2009-09-10T19:41:00.000-05:00

According to my husband... I'm one lucky girl.

I was chosen. Yes, chosen. Chosen to serve on Jury Duty. Hooray!...?... I think...

When I first told my husband he said, and I quote, "Good job babe! That's like winning the lottary, right?!"

Today was my second day viewing the case and it has been quite an interesting experience. Obviously I cannot say anything about the case until we have come to a verdict and the case has been closed, but let's just say it's intriguing, boring, and disheartening all at the same time.

I certainly don't want to serve every year of my life, but I would say that if you ever have the chance to do it, take it as a learning experience and enjoy the time you do have to be there.

jury summons.

2009-08-24T17:28:00.002-05:00

I never thought I'd be summoned for jury duty, but Saturday night I walked into my house to find an envelope with my name on it from the Sedgwick County Courthouse. The first thought that came to my head was, "for real...?!"

I slowly opened the envelope hoping it wasn't what I thought it was, but alas, I read in big bold letters across the top of the paper, JURY SUMMONS.

While reading through the letter, I hoped that under the list of people who could be excused was "anyone involved in the educational system", but no such luck. Instead they dealt with the inability to understand English, having been convicted of a crime over the past ten years, or breast feeding mothers. I, obviously, did not fall into any of those categories.

I had a few friends giving me ideas of how to get out of it... some suggested dressing up like a character from a movie like Princess Lea from Star Wars, while others remained simple, claiming that I knew the person being tried.

After thinking about it for a while, I began to get excited about having this opportunity. Luckily, the day that I have been summoned, is only an in-service day for me at school, so I get to miss sitting through incredibly boring presentations and I won't have to plan for a sub.

I do hope that if I do get picked to serve on the jury, that it won't be for some horrendous murder case that lasts for weeks; I cannot miss that much school...

All in all, the man has spoken, and I must complete my duty.

spotlight.

2009-08-22T23:39:00.002-05:00

I cannot wait to go see these guys in October. It'll be my fifth time seeing them live and I already know they're going to blow me away, just as they have every show I've been to.

Their new CD, Armistance, just came out earlier this week. It of course, is incredible.

where art thou fair?

2009-08-21T23:18:00.004-05:00

One thing I looked forward to while living in Des Moines was the Iowa State Fair. There's nothing like eating [just about] anything you want on a stick, mullet hunting, and checking out a life size sculpture made out of butter.

Kansas and Iowa are very similar in the fact that they're flat, windy, and quite honestly, just plain boring. BUT, Iowa has one of the best fairs in the nation, so in a battle between the two states, Iowa wins by a mile.

This is the third year in a row that I have not been able to enjoy the beauty that is the Iowa State Fair, and quite honestly, I do covet those who get to attend. I've gone to a few fairs here in Kansas, but none of them compare.

Maybe one day I will return and relive the beautiful event that occurs every August, but for now I'll continue dreaming of eating a scruptious state fair corn dog covered in ketchup.

room to breathe again.

2009-05-19T09:28:00.007-05:00

Traveling does something to my spirit that not many other things do. I find a joy and a peace that is reborn within me when I have the opportunity to travel outside of my current home. Whether it be to a town an hour away, or to another country. I've never been one to stay home during weekends, one to not go anywhere when I didn't need to be at school or work, or for that matter, I've never been one to stay living in one place for very long. I love change, even if it's only to the other side of town.

This summer was the first summer since I was a junior in high school (2002) that I didn't work. I wasn't sure how I'd handle all of the free time that I had in my future or what exactly I'd fill my time with, but quickly I learned that I needed time to rest and enjoy everything that the Lord had in store for me.

I was able to do a lot of traveling this summer, which was a huge blessing. I got to spend a week in Estes Park, Colorado at the YMCA of the Rockies with a group of 45 middle and high school students, I took a road trip to Chicago to visit my family with a good friend, and I then spent a little over a week in Ciudad Victoria, Mexico with 25 high school students. Now, these trips may not have been "typical" vacations considering I was responsible for the well being of kids for 2/3 of my getaways, but I was able to witness students making life commitments to serving Jesus Christ. That beats out any tropical vacay.

I was greatly rejuvenated this summer with my trips and having time to rest. I tried some new recipes that my husband claims are delicious. I used my bike the most I have in years. I was able to hang out with an awesome friend for hours on end catching up on 24. I mentored three high school girls who are incredible young women. And I even started scrapbooking our honeymoon, which I finished last week!

But what I am most thankful for is how the Lord reminded me of His beauty.

I often forget how lucky I am and how much I have. God has been tugging at my heart all summer, but with what? I'm not exactly sure... but what I do know is that He is working. He is creating something new within my heart, and excitingly within my husband’s heart as well.

There is a reason Matt has not gotten laid off from Cessna like many of our friends have. There is a reason my trip to Chicago ended up costing me 1/4 of what I thought it would. There is a reason I have not made the career change that I had hoped. There is a reason why I met the people I did this summer, and there is a reason why I am unsure of what's next.

It's easy for me to say that the summer brought me to a better place because I wasn't around my students, I didn't have to plan, didn't have to work, blah blah blah... did these things help my spirit? Yes, of course they did. But it was more then that.

I had no idea that God was going to bring to light the things that He did. The best part is when I can be on my knees, praising God for who He is, even in unknown circumstances.

watch.

2009-04-19T22:11:00.004-05:00

To continue my rant of MuteMath, and for your enjoyment, here is their video for Typical (came out last year-ish).

Enjoy!

brilliant.

2009-04-18T00:18:00.004-05:00

I took this picture at the last MuteMath concert I went to. If you know me, you probably know at least three things regarding myself and music:

One, I personally am not musically talented. Two, I'm a die-hard 'NSYNC and Justin Timberlake fan. And three, I think MuteMath is absolutely brilliant.

Witnessing MuteMath perform is an experience I can only attempt to describe. From the moment they walk on stage, to the moment they disappear backstage, can leave one standing in complete disbelief. The lights, the sounds, the movements, the voices, the Truth, the Beauty that is displayed throughout their each of their shows is astounding.

I've been able to experience [not watch] four of their shows, and one evening actually ended sitting at Denny's having a discussion with Paul Meany about his dislike for Nickelback (quite amusing). Nice guys. Down to earth, real, funny, and just like on stage, filled with Joy and Truth.

Tonight my sister sent me a website which features Paul, Greg, and Darren (sadly no Roy) on a worship CD leading some incredible songs. I found myself near tears. Simply because of how stunning and beautiful their sound is; I knew it would be, it always is, but it's refreshing to actually hear that same brilliance over and over and over again.

These guys are for real.

I must say, these four men have a gift. And what's even greater, is that they know it. How awesome is that?! They recognized God, recognized the gift He's blessed them with, and then scream it out wherever they go. "Christian" music or not, who cares. What matters is that they have identified their Savior, devoted their lives to sharing that Love, and then tell about who He is during every moment on and off stage.

If you haven't seen 'em, head to youtube and check out some of their stuff. Trust me, you won't be disappointed.

"It's all the economy's fault!"

2009-04-09T13:13:00.008-05:00

I'm not a dedicated Oprah watcher, but every now and then if I get home early from school and need some time to unwind, I'll check out what the topic of the show is. Yesterday I got home, sat my butt on the couch, flipped on the tube, and found my heart breaking the moment The Oprah show began.

The entire show was dedicated to talking with married couples who were finding themselves near divorce, or already there, because of the economic state of our nation. Couples joined the show through skyp, via phone, and some were at the show to share of the struggles they have been facing over the past year.

One lady said, "The economic situation is killing my marriage." Right after she said this, I found myself repeating over and over again to myself, "no... the economy isn't killing your marriage, you and your husband are killing your marriage." It broke my heart to listen to these couples who wanted to call it quits because "things are just too hard." Guess what people, no matter the state of the economy, the state of your health, or the state of your finances, things will be difficult.

The reality is, there isn't a push for marriage to be as sacred as it used to be, or as a matter of fact, as it should be. It seems that today it's just something that people choose to do, and when it gets hard, it's okay to make a quick exit. It's easy to point your finger at things, such as the economy, to blame and use as an excuse to run away from uncertainties.

Everyday I discover just how selfish I am; I have to daily allow God to strip away my "it's all about me" attitude and transform me. If we don't at least try to change this "me, me, me" persona we're all guilty of at times, I can certainly understand how this attitude has the ability to control our thoughts and actions in drastic ways. If I didn't daily surrender to God, I'm 100% sure that I wouldn't be married, nor would I even be able to be in a relationship with someone that lasted more than a week.

Choosing to love your spouse and stick with them no matter what is exactly what we as married couples signed up for. A feeling is only a small portion of love. Love consists of something greater; you choose to love. It's a choice.

I was so disturbed by the couples that shared their situations because quite honestly, it felt like a cop-out to me. Maybe they really are losing money, or they really can't find a job, or they can't retire anymore... it's probably valid because we are in an economic crisis, and I do empathize with them. But my point is, where is the commitment that people promised one another on their wedding day? Why can a wife justify tearing down and blaming her hard working husband for getting laid off and not being able to find another job? Since when did marriage become about ourselves and whatever makes me happy?

Where is the sacred institution that God designed at the beginning for a man and wife to become one and to be committed to one another for their time on earth?

If the economy continues to fall, will we continue to love, support, and stick with our life partner? Or will we run because we don't like instability and things become too challenging and too much work?

If the economy is to blame for a divorce,and if things continue to go down hill, we're all doomed...

along comes change?

2009-03-02T15:31:00.001-06:00

The idea of change brings my heart great joy. I’ve always enjoyed “big” change in my life. Moving to new places, new friends, new churches, new opportunities, etc; some people hate change, but for me, it brings a sense of thrill and challenge. More so, I’ve never wanted to be “that person” who seeks out change in order to run away from their problems. I am confident that I have stayed clear from that. Have I thought it at times? Yes, but I’m always able to ask myself, ‘what is the point of wanting (insert change here) to occur?’

In the past when God spoke change over my life, most times I found it easy to follow. I typically look forward to the newness that awaits, but overall, it’s been easy.

Recently, the Lord opened a door that I’ve been praying about for years. I don’t know the outcome, but I know that I need to begin walking through the door to see what specific things He has for me on the other side; mostly to see if they’re what I’ve dreamt of.

It’s funny though. Taking these steps, steps toward more change than I’ve probably ever faced before, I always imagined it would be quite easy for me, simply because of that fact that I have been dreaming about this moment for a long time. Plus, change used to be easy…

But I’m finding myself scared out of my mind. I’ve even found myself trying to think of ways “to get out of it” because the change is just that big.

Through much prayer recently, and from thinking about prayer in years past, I’ve made the decision to walk forward, but am for the first time, completely petrified of this possible change. I’m particularly comfortable with where I’m at, so with that, I sense that the Lord is shaking me a bit. I find it normal for me to be fearful, as long as my fear does not drive my decision.

The great thing is I can identify my fear, as just that, fear. Overcoming fear can be challenging, but with the right focus and drive, it is completely possible.

I’m reminded of Philippians 4:6, “Do not be anxious in anything…” I understand what Paul was saying, yet it doesn’t decrease the “fear” that lingers. What it does do, and what I feel Paul was trying to get across, was that if we stand firmly trusting God, we know that anything He does or however He answers our prayers, will be most beneficial for the Kingdom. It’s all about God receiving the most Glory.

As He continues to shake me, I’ve committed to walking no matter how fearful I may become. I have a feeling this is big… bigger than I even know. So big that the evil one is trying to distort “change” for me because he does not want me to get anywhere near this open door. Could it be because walking through this door could be detrimental to the enemy’s plan? Quite possibly.

A friend of mine continually reminds me, “Satan isn’t going to attack or act if a person is not a threat. When he attacks, it’s because that person has the possibility to destroy everything he is working toward.”

The Lord spoke over me that 2009 would be a year of “challenge and learning”… I think I’m beginning to see why…

ode to rod b.

2009-01-29T13:12:00.004-06:00

a haiku for mr. rod blagojevich:

you tried to sell his
seat and now all you have is
a head of bad hair.

you make illinois proud. good luck on your future endeavors dirt bag.

a different tune this christmas.

2008-12-24T13:36:00.005-06:00

like a lot of people, christmas is one of my favorite times of the year. every year i've spent christmas in chicago with my family. i can always count on there being at least three feet of snow on the ground. i've never missed a christmas eve service at the church i grew up in. and watching christmas vacation is a must. there are so many things that i look forward to doing upon returning to illinois.

this year is the same. there's snow on the ground, my family is all here, i'm headed to church tonight, and tomorrow we'll all be on the floor laughing at clark griswald as he attempts to capture a squirrel that escapes in his house.

plus there's a bonus this year... my husband is here to join us. what joy that brings to my heart.

despite everything wonderful that occurs this time of year, there's a saddness that continues to linger over myself and my family...

january 7th my dad will be going back into the hospital, but this time instead of receiving just chemotheropy, he will also be receiving a stem cell transplant. diagnosed last march, he has been in remission from leukemia since august. and because there is no cure of leukemia, it's not a matter of if it will come back, but when. a stem cell transplant is our only hope of a possible cure.

doctors say there is a high chance of success from the procedure; yet there is still that fear that hangs over our heads.

christmas is different this year.
fear. uncertainty. uneasiness.

but with fear, i will remain hopeful and coinfident that my God will come through. whatever that statment means... 'God coming through'. i will continue to believe that He is receiving all the glory that He deserves, no matter the circumstance. and i am most certainly thankful that my father has a close and personal relationship with the King.

christmas is different this year... no, christmas feels different this year. but my God and His sacrifice remains the same.

hallelujah.

falling hard after Love.

2008-12-02T14:58:00.003-06:00

i stand, facing a King who forever forgives;
i stand, staring deeply into the eyes of the One who saved my life;
i stand, unaware of the pain that He feels so deeply in his heart;
i stand, watching tears fall from His face.

i cannot stand any longer.

dropping to my knees i become restless and weak;
i hear His cries for the nations and His hopes for the world;
i cannot stand to see His heart break any longer;
i cannot stand to watch a King release His painful agony.

yet i am reminded of Truth...

i am falling hard after Love,
and abundant joy has captured my heart.

Looking to buy?

2008-11-16T20:08:00.002-06:00

Need a house? Well we've got the PERFECT one for YOU!

The Wild House

light the night.

2008-09-02T23:27:00.003-05:00

so be truly glad. there is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. these trials will show that your faith is genuine. it is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold-though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. so when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. 1 peter 1:6-7

let's fight the battle with Christ lighting the path... light the night

the waiting room.

2008-07-16T18:40:00.004-05:00

i walked into my dad's hospital room this past saturday evening, and found my heart instantly begin to break within the first sight of him.

if you've ever had a close family member in the hospital for a serious illness, you probably can relate.

seeing my dad lay in his hospital bed, upset, hurting, and in pain broke me in ways i've never been broken before. i couldn't do anything but sit by his side, hold his hand, and cry with him. this was the first time i'd seen him in the hospital since he got checked in 30 days ago.

and it seems he will be here another 21 days or so...

but what kills me the most is the fact that i can't be here with him these next three weeks. i don't live here anymore, and my life is back in wichita... fiance, job, church... i guess not used to being permanently settled in one place still. in college i could hop in my car and drive the five hour drive to chicago whenever i wanted, but i've learned that being a grown-up is different...

being in the waiting room is hard.

as my dad starts the next round of chemo tonight, my last night in chicago, we can do nothing but pray, wait, and believe that our Creator is greater than leukemia.

thank you for everyone who has been praying. continue to join us in prayer and experience with us the miracle of God's healing hand.

living pepsi?

2008-07-12T16:22:00.005-05:00

this has been a challenging summer.

jumping into my internship right atfter school got out without a break... trying to plan a wedding... working more than the hours expected of me... my father finding out that he has acute myeloid leukemia... my roommate suddenly having to move out because of flooding in my basement... attempting to fix the flooding problem... living alone for the first time in my life... struggling with the fact that i can't be with my family as much as i used to... trying to find free time to continue growing in a relationship with matt, read about 8 books for marriage counseling, find alone time with the Lord, time to sleep, etc etc etc...

i've been 'go go go' since august of last year, and i need a break... so i'm headed back to chicago for a week.

don't get me wrong, i love being a youth intern, planning lessons, connecting with kids, helping to plan events, but with everything else falling into my lap this summer, i feel like i've been running on empty ever since may. i haven't been using the right "fuel" this summer...

i've been resorting to my own strength, my own determination, and my own drive to keep me a-goin'... and i'm finally, after many weeks of pushing myself, out of fuel. i know i can't go anywhere else unless i let the right fuel fill me up.

cliche, i know, but no wonder Jesus talks about being Living Water. i'll make it simple... while i've needed Living Water, i've been filling myself with pepsi. it keeps me goin' for a little bit, but soon after i need to drink more, which ultimately leaves me more thirsty, tired, and have you ever tried running after drinking a pepsi? i don't know about you, but i usually get a huge cramp in my side. plus, i can't afford to buy anymore pepsi; it's too expensive.

i think it's about time that i resort back to drinking Water.
Living Water.

2 timothy.

2008-07-07T16:19:00.004-05:00

for God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power, of love, and of self-discipline.

i've been memorizing some scripture in 2 timothy. this specific verse above, verse 7, captured my attention last night. i had read it before, probably more times than i can count, but last night i read it in a way that i hadn't before.

the Lord reminded me something in this simple verse: He opened my eyes to the power that we have when the Holy Spirit lives within our hearts, and when we allow Him to work through us, mighty and great things will occur.

timidity, fear, anger, apathy, and jealousy do not come from God. when we were created, He did not put within us the spirit of apathy, or the spirit of fear, or the spirit of timidity. the Lord put within us things that show His own character.

if we have within us spirits that are that of God's own character, think of the mighty things we can do through the Holy Spirit. no, i am not saying we are God because we are no where near Him in that sense, nor can we ever be, but that within you and within me, we can have the Holy Spirit. if we have the Holy Spirit living within us, we cannot help but see incredible things happen... people be saved, people be healed, or people fall to their knees in worship.

if you read further, in verse 9b it says, ...not because of anything we have done, but because of God's own purpose and grace. right before that, starting in verse 8, it talks about not being ashamed to testify for the Lord, that He has saved us, and then called us to live a Holy life.

but we can connect what timothy said, or rather what God said through timothy, in verse 7 and this segment in verse 9. God put within us these characteristics to do nothing but Glorify Himself. we did not earn them, we are not worthy people, but He did it so that we may see His Goodness, see His Worthiness, stand in awe of Him, and use His Character to enhance His Kingdom.

if that paragraph was written about anyone but the Lord, i'd say "that is the most selfish thing i've ever heard in my life." but when we're talking about our Creator, the God of the universe, and the One who placed within us not a spirit of timidity, but spirits of power, love, and self discipline, that is the farthest thing from selfishness there is.

weirdo.

2008-06-09T19:37:00.003-05:00

my fiance is so weird... but oh how i love him!

dad.

2008-06-06T13:35:00.005-05:00

hospitalization has been postponed due to some incompetent doctors who did not follow through in sending my dads results (again!) to the hospital where he'll be receiving chemo.

looks like it'll be another week or two before he's admitted.

until then, here's a look at his blog that he'll be updating while in the hospital: AML Journey

pain becomes praise.

2008-06-05T09:19:00.006-05:00

recently my father was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia. he begins chemotherapy tomorrow.

it all began 8 years ago with a routine physical. leukemia never developed over those years, but doctors continued to keep their eyes on his blood and bone morrow. signs even went away, stunning doctors and my family. healthy for two years, nothing wrong.

another routine physical this past January. doctors notice something odd again, but this time more severe. his cells are not producing healthy cells, but leukemic cells which are beginning to spread throughout his body. about 15% of his bone morrow has the leukemic cells in it, while 1/4 of his blood also has the cancerous cells.

my dad was diagnosed with aml... and he starts chemo tomorrow.

* * * * * * * * * *

i've been reading a lot in psalms listening to david complain about life. sometimes it's annoying. sometimes i feel sorry for him. sometimes i want to tell him to call the waaaaaaaam-bulance. and sometimes my heart breaks for him. it's interesting to read his heart... the psalms are just that, his heart, and it's not just him whining about not getting his way, but about the sadness, the pain, the fear, the anger, and the joy that his soul so deeply burns with.

even though david seems "whiny" at times, it fascinates me that after every complaint, he brings glory and praise to the Father. he shares the depths of his pain and grief, but never leaves it at that. he always declares the Goodness of God, of His faithfulness, and of the rescue that he has found in Him.

sometimes i wonder if it was easy for david to say "God is Good!" when he had a bunch of crap happening around him. my conclusion is this... no.

it could not have been easy for him.

but when you know the truth, when you are confident of God's promises, and when you understand just a smidgen of His character, the last words to leave your mouth will be praise and glory to the Lord.

i am scared for my dad. it's hard being the only one in my family not there. i don't want to do this in distance. i'd rather cry with my family than without.

yet... i will praise God.

He has allowed my heart to know Himself just a little bit, just as He allowed david to. He has shed a layer of my screened eyes that allows me to shout, "GOD I GIVE YOU GLORY!", even though my emotions and body want me to do nothing but curl up in a little ball, weep, and seclude myself from the rest of the world.

through this unknown, i say 'no' to sorrow, and 'yes' to praise.

Father, i ask that our eyes would look at this situation and stand up in worship, THANKING You for being in charge of this world. i pray that my family would find JOY in this time where we could so easily be destroyed. let this be a testimony that my father can use to share with the world in order to give YOU recognition and praise. we want to focus on dad and the cancer, but i pray God that Glory would be all that drips from our lips; Glory because you are our God, and enhancing your Kingdom is what we live for. in Jesus name, Amen.

declares the Lord.

2008-05-21T22:35:00.003-05:00

"for I know the plans I have for you."

learning to need You.

2008-05-11T23:31:00.004-05:00

daily i am amazed at the Mercy of the Father. His Grace is never ending. And His Love is eternal. everyone goes through life searching for something to identify with, and attempting to learn about themselves, about others, and about what this life is all about.

whenever i listen to this justin mcroberts song, i can't help but weep.

"i cry out Your name,
i am in need of Your Mercies Jesus,
despite my pride and my shame;
i'm learning to need You."

i know in my head that i need Jesus. i know that the Bible says i need Jesus. and i know that Jesus says that i need Him. but for some reason, i still don't get it.

... so everyday... i am still [just] learning [for the first time, each time] to need You.

and i'm excited to learn again tomorrow.

theknot.com

2008-04-25T17:56:00.001-05:00

Check out our wedding website: The Wilds

getting married.

2008-03-19T22:03:00.022-05:00

monday march 17th, 2008 - matt proposed while we were snowboarding at snowmass in aspen, colorado.

the Lord had this relationship in mind from the very beginning. we both lived our separate lives; me in chicago and des moines, matt in new york and pennsylvania. matt followed the Lord's calling to wichita back in 2002 when he accepted a job working for cessna aircraft. it took me a few more years, but i found my way to wichita in may of 2007 after graduating college, taking a youth internship, and accepting a great teaching opportunity teaching 7th grade language arts in the wichita public schools.

both of us were unsure about moving to wichita, and even questioned God as to why He'd call us to such a random place; very different from chicago and pennsylvania.

soon after my arrival in wichita matt and i met after church one afternoon. we ran into each other a few other times, but it wasn't until after matt made up an excuse to get my phone number that anything happened between us. he was getting ready to head to chicago and said he might need someone to give him tips of where to go while he was downtown.

smooth.

matt never actually called me while he was in chicago, but the high schooler he was mentoring talked to him the evening he got back into town and told him he needed to get to know me more. that same day i recieved his call.

talking on the phone for a few days led to our first date that next weekend (june 22, 2007).

over the past 9 months the Lord has worked in great ways, teaching both of us incredible things about ourselves, each other, and relationships. God has been our center from day one, and through our patience, obedience, willingness to leave our own selfishness behind, and growth of love for one another and the Lord, He has given us permission to become husband and wife.

i can't wait until october 18, 2008.

here are some pictures from our week in colorado:

the view from where matt proposed in aspen ("Garrett's Gulch")

me crying

my wonderful fiance

my beautiful ring

so excited to get married!

where has all the motivation gone?

2008-03-13T17:02:00.010-05:00

i ended the quarter teaching my students poetry. we discussed haiku, monoryhme, cinquain, nonet, shape, along the simple alliteration and acrostic. but their all time favorite type was one called a 'clerihew'.

this specific poem is only four lines long. it's focus is to poke-fun or talk about a celebrity. the first two lines have to rhyme (aka a 'couplet' for those of you lacking in your poetry knowledge), while the second two lines rhyme (the second 'couplet').

today as i was grading their final project, a book composed of their own original poems following the format of seven types that we discussed, i couldn't help but laugh out loud at the creativity that some of my students had while writing their 'clerihew'...

lil' wayne

wears a big chain;

while he's singing

he sure is blinging.

britney spears

sheds her tears;

when she went bald

the doctor she called.

justin timberlake

isn't no fake;

he's so fly

i think i'm gonna die.

beyonce

is jay-z's finance;

he loves her so

she doesn't even know.

sure these poems aren't difficult and they don't seem like that big of deal, but you may have to know my 7th graders to understand how proud of them i am.

apathy is effecting the world today in ways that it never has before, especially the youth today. if something doesn't involve technology, they don't want to do it. if they have to read something, no way. and if they have to write more than two sentences, absolutely not.

my roommate, becky, is a 6th grade science teacher at stucky with me. we carpool to work and usually our drive home is our "complain about lazy and annoying kids" time. but about a month ago our hearts really began to break as we talked about how the spirit of apathy really is engulfing children today. this laziness then continues into high school, college, and follows them into adulthood.

i constantly ask myself, 'what can i do to engage my students more and to help them really enjoy learning.' i'm not a teacher who stands in front of the class and lectures while they take notes. we have group discussions, we do group work, we read together, we play games to help them review concepts, and we do a lot of hands-on activities. i'm even lucky enough to have access to [my very own] technology that really [should] grab their attention.

yet, even when i make lessons fun and engaging, they still don't care.

when they have a 28% in class because they 'just don't want to do homework'... they don't care.

when they get to work with a partner... they'd rather sit and do nothing.

when they are given the opportunity to pick a topic that they enjoy... they choose nothing.

and when they are given an assignment to finish up by the end of the class period... they'd rather take the zero.

youth today don't want to work. they want everything handed to them. if it's too hard, they quit. it's a constant battle to get them to focus and really care about school; anything related to working hard that is.

what is happening to our world? why has the spirit of apathy begun to take over the sons and daughters of God?

for the Lord said that we have been created in the image of Him. apathy is not one of those characteristics. this just reminds me of the sin that we can so easily fall into without even realizing it. God desires, even more than i do, that they would rid themselves of the sin that has engulfed them; that they would run whole-heartedly towards Jesus, willing to continue running even when something hard jumps in their way.

... maybe i'll have to stick with the clerihew to keep them motivated for now...

where has the passion gone?

2008-03-12T20:39:00.002-05:00

i began writing this blog about three years ago when a friend at the time encouraged me to use my love for writing as a ministry tool.

so i began. i wasn't really sure what i was doing or what exactly i was supposed to write about. i just wrote. i shared about God, Love, what i was learning, what i hoped to do in life, what my friends were teaching me, and even at times went deep in order to share my heart.

i stayed "commited" to my blog, writing almost daily. my love for writing continued to grow. i began to see how a silly little blog could actually minister to people via the internet. the effect it was having was confirmed during a visit to ihop in kansas city about two years ago.

yet, somewhere along the way my passion started to dwindle. hence the absence for almost three months. it seems that writing became a chore for me. and even when the Lord opens my eyes to something Glorious, i find myself only wanting to keep it to myself instead of using my story to share God and encourage others. if this is one way that i'm able to reveal God to friends and strangers, why am i not jumping at the opportunity?

what's the deal...?...

i desire that my passion for writing and for sharing my writing, would be reborn within me. i miss logging onto the ol' blog, excited about what i have for the people of cyber space.

on a lighter note...

spring break begins friday, and i cannot express how excited i am to be away from my 110 7th graders for an entire week. oh how i love them, but oh how i need a break from the constant screaming coming from across the room, "ms. cavender i need helppppppppp!!!!"

airport [bliss]

2007-12-21T18:14:00.001-06:00

here i sit at the wichita airport, awiting my flight to o'hare. but, as always, o'hare has caused delays for some flights; including mine.

i got to the airport with plenty of time to spare (two hours early). i waited in line for two hours to check my bags. luckily (and not so) within those two hours, my plane managed to be reported as delayed twice. if things go as they predict, we should be in the air within the next hour.

i admit though, i was not happy as i stood in line and heard that i was delayed. i thought a few things, and even said a number of comments under my breath and to the people around me. i purposely gave airport workers dissatisfied looks, and threw negative comments out about the people around me who didn't know how to use the check-in computers.

stressed? indeed.

after walking through security, and getting some food, i found a little spot to sit in order to update the blog (where i am at the moment). i then began thinking...

i had no right to act the way that i did. it's embarassing to think about, let alone express my actions via blog.

the more i thought about my behavior, the stronger the Lord spoke in my heart. i have the privilage of knowing a Savior. i have been rescued and given grace. i know God. i have chosen to give Him my heart, and i have stood delcaring the name of Jesus. i have dedicated my life to living for Jesus Christ, and to enhancing His Kingdom. if all of this is indeed true, then i must act like it. even when i find myself in an airport, surrounded by crabby people who turn to me and say "does that moron even know what he's doing!?" i must live how i say that i live.

but then my heart began to ache. and i couldn't help but ask, 'what would it be like to not know that my heart belonged to the Father?'

how would that change me? who would i be? how would i talk? and how would i act while awaiting a flight to o'hare in the wichita airport?

a glorious thanksgiving.

2007-11-22T10:32:00.000-06:00

as matt and i were driving [the 12 hour drive] to chicago from wichita, something glorious began to happen between kansas city and the iowa boarder...

it began to snow.

my mom had been telling me that for the past few weeks, chicago has been getting flurries and serious snow was in the radar. i was jealous. it snows in kansas, but nothing like chicago snow.

just the other day it was 75 degrees in wichita. and as far as i know, there is no snow predicted in the near future.

so if someone were to ask me what's one thing that i'm thankful for this thanksgiving, as ridiculous as it may seem, i'd say that i'm thankful for snow. you don't realize how much something means to you until you don't have it... and in this instance, moving permanently away from chicago and des moines, i've moved away from big snows.

i think i will go out and build a snowman.

scuffed up hands.

2007-11-19T17:14:00.000-06:00

Being a teacher, I don’t get to do much physical labor, or “working with my hands”, so to speak. I don’t get to do any building or lifting of any sort. [Normally] you would find no calluses on these hands…

Yet, after this weekend you may find a number of bruises, cuts, scratches, and chipped fingernails covering my hands… and arms… and feet… and legs…

I spent the weekend helping Matt work on his new house. He’s not building it himself, but he’s doing a good amount on his own. One of those things included tiling. A lot of tiling… with complicated designs. Yesterday we finished up with the front entry way, the fireplace, the laundry room, and the master bath (bathtub and an entire shower).

I’d be okay if I never saw tile again…

Men are definitely built more for that kind of stuff. I was able to do it, and surprisingly, I did it well… but… I’m exhausted. My hands are sore, my back aches, my feet hurt, and I still have some putty in my hair that I can’t get out… [sigh].

There were times when I found myself wanting to go home and to stop helping because I was so tired, and then thought to myself, ‘“serving” isn’t one of my spiritual gifts’… And then I realized how ridiculously lame that logic was.

“Serving isn’t my gifting, so I’m just not gonna do it.”

Lame.

I get tired of people, particularly myself, using the “that’s not my spiritual gift” excuse in order to not do something, or get by with not doing it well. I understand that the Lord has gifted some people with one thing more than another, but to say that something isn’t “my strongest gift”, in order to squeeze my way out of it, is absolutely ridiculous.

We are called to be like Christ, right? Therefore, I have to ask myself a simple question, ‘did Jesus serve people while He was here on earth?’

Yes.

It says in Ephesians 5, “Be imitators of God…”

Be imitators… imitate God. Be LIKE God. Aim high, and be as Christ is; live as Christ lived.

That’s a pretty high expectation to live up to… really high. Too high in fact. Yet, we are called to that role.

Ephesians 4: 22-24: “You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds by letting the Holy Spirit dwell within you; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness” (my own words in bold).

I do not need to walk around looking for manual labor work in order to be like Christ or to serve people well, but when I do find myself in positions of “getting my hands dirty”, I will do it with a joyful heart.

My ultimate desire is to be like my Father. To do so, I must do as He does. Serve as Christ served. Pray as Christ prayed. And Love as He Loves. Again, too high of an expectation, but I will do whatever I need to in order to be transformed, even if that involves “service”.

So as I sit here, I look down at my hands, and at the large bruise that has overtaken my left arm, and see a reminder of my hard work over the weekend, and of the transformation that is continuing to take place deep within my heart.

Again, I don’t have a great gifting of service (especially service dealing with manual labor), but I desire to. “Eagerly desire spiritual gifts…” (1 Corinthians 14:1). The Lord says to ask, and it will be given to us; perhaps not in the way that we expect, but something will change. As an attitude changes, so does the heart. Thus begins the process of a greater understanding, and a greater resemblance to Jesus.

Perhaps I should stay clear of getting a manicure for a while…

reminiscence (of then).

2007-10-27T10:43:00.000-05:00

this week i have been doing a lot of thinking.

i've found myself thinking back to what my life was like in high school, as i went through college, the start of my "official" adult working life from this summer, and where i am now.

sometimes i wonder, 'how the heck did i get here?'

it's been one crazy ride, that's for sure

high school is where i began to be shaped. where i allowed the Heavenly Father to truly take a hold of me and begin work within. after four years of attending [glorious] lake forest high school, and being one step closer to who the Lord desired for me to be, i remember packing up my junk into my mom's tahoe and moving to des moines, iowa to begin the next step.

des moines suited me;
drake suited me.

i made incredible friends, attended a God-driven church, found myself being challenged spiritually in ways i never had before, and for the first time, heard the calling He put over my life.

just a a year ago i was mentally preparing myself for student teaching, i was in a relationship with a man who held the Lord's heart in his hand, i was forming new friendships with some incredible people, and i was wondering how the heck God's dream for my life would ever become reality while in iowa.

i knew that He desired more for me, but i was comfortable then.

i was satisfied.
i was fearful of the unknown.
and i was trying to reject the change that was entering in.

throughout my entire life, the Lord shifts the world at the very moment that i fall back into those places. He knows, and i know now, that if i continue to be "comfortable" or be "satisfied" with where i am, i will remain there, rejecting the Beauty that He has planned.

though there are some days i wish to return to "how things were", i also know that it's only because it's what i knew. i was familiar with "then." i am not familiar with "now."

i still have great love for the people from my past, even if we've lost communication. each person, and every situation, my God has used to form this child into what He desires.

why?

because it's all about Him.

everything is about Him. He's not trying to give your life "make over" because you're getting too comfortable and enjoying life too much; He's shifting gears because it's about Him. He's not speaking the end of relationships (both friends and romantic) because they aren't healthy, or because they're not good enough, or because they're too perfect... He approves, or disapproves, those relationships because it's all about Him.

the Father wants all the worship, all the glory, and all the praise. He will do whatever it takes to be recognized, and for the world to see that it's all about Him.

so i can sit around and desire to return to how things were my freshman year of college, or to when i was five, but when i do, that is when i begin to make everything about me.

and it's not.
nothing is about me.
it's about Him.

so to try and answer my question, 'how the heck did i get here?' i can say, i am where i am today because it's all about Him.

simple.

at this moment, i stand in a place where i can recognize and make it, all about Him. i trust that the moment i begin to move away from this understanding and begin desiring something for myself, He will rush it, drastically change my life; with the purpose only of, reminding me who this world is about.

Him.

(pardon the) absence.

2007-10-17T20:53:00.000-05:00

Over two months and no entry.

So is the life of a first year teacher...

These past nine weeks have been absolutely insane. I knew that teaching would be tough, but this semi hit me head on, knocking me flat on my face at times. Good day, bad day...

[sigh].

I want to say that the hard work for the year is finally over, knock on wood; but I finally feel like I'm getting the hang of this "playing teacher" stuff. I'm walking into the next nine weeks with new vision and new direction.

A (quick) update...

1. I found a House of Prayer here... God is moving greatly at Living Waters. I try and spend my Tuesday evenings at the HOP. It's nice to have a couple of hours where I actually rid myself of school and thinking about my little 7th graders. I'd love to see them open 24 hours...

2. I have the greatest boyfriend in the world (enough said).

3. Last weekend was the first weekend in 8 weeks where I stayed in town. I love traveling, but I sometimes forget how much I really do enjoy staying at home and doing absolutely nothing. No traveling for me until Thanksgiving...

4. After a two month hiatis from working with the high school youth group at my church, I'll be returning tomorrow evening for an event they're having. I'm looking forward to jumping back into my "director" role (aka keeping people on schedule and being announcement girl).

5. Perfectionism is not out of the question... it's amazing how and who God uses to open up Truth in your life (check out a guy named Randy Storms... he's written a book that is changing lives, and is serving God incredibly with his gifts). He has an amazing story. My meetings with him are bringing me to a place of renewal... praise God.

6. Last week were parent/teacher conferences... I am proud to report I had no crazies show up and yell at me claiming that their child was perfect, and that the only reason their kid had an F was because I hated them.

7. There will be a DSM stop on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving with Mr. Wild as we travel our way east to wonderful Chicago...

8. I love my roommate. I love how much she loves God. I love that her heart is sold out for bringing glory to the King. I love that she's funny, and loves to do dorky things. AND, I love that she's clean. ...we're having a pumpkin carving/The Office party this Thursday. So pumped.

9. I apologize to everyone for my lack of staying in touch. Like I said, first year teaching REALLY IS overwhelming and stressful. As the year continues, I'm finding myself able to manage my time better and I'm not letting the weight of school kill me.

There will be more posts in the near future... and I promise, they will be more profound than this.

The end.

(ups) downs.

2007-08-25T11:24:00.000-05:00

I am tired.
This heart constantly being challenged.
But I'm tired...
Sometimes wanting to give up; it's difficult to not give in.

He said to stay strong.
"But I'm tired.
I don't know how to go on."

Be still.
He reminded me to be still.
Be still.
Be still, and silent.
"Let My words speak deeply to your heart.
And be still."

Physically exhasted.
Waking up early, coming home late.
Kids not behaving, raising my voice.
Serving, praying, worshiping.
Searching for motivation...

Restoring a heart.
Your heart... my heart.
Love being renewed.
New love being discovered.

He knows the pain and confusion,
but reminds you of the passion.

He says to be still.
"Remember to be still.
Be still.
Be still and know who I Am."

I will continue.
I will be still.
I will recognize my Father.
I will not give in.
I will let Love enter my heart,
and I will love with complete abandon.

Will you?

homeowner.

2007-08-01T16:04:00.000-05:00

Being a homeowner is weird, not gonna lie. I'm stuck. No more moving for me for a while... a long while actually.

But I like that I'm stuck here. I like that I can't just pick up and leave... owning a home will definitely keep me grounded in the promise land.

Yes, I said "the promise land." Kansas is just that.

I have nothing profound to say... and it seems it's been that way for a while now. I'm currently in the desert. Either God is being extremely silent, or I haven't been a good listener; probably the latter.

I down right suck at being a child of God sometimes... or most of the time I should say.

But don't get me wrong, things are going well. I'm learning a lot and being challenged a lot. God is opening doors like mad. Within the next week I should be able to share about some of those pretty sweet opportunities.

Until then, here are a some pictures of my beautiful new condo. Enjoy!

My beautiful kitchen

Kitchen/dinning room

Living/dinning room

Living/dinning room/kitchen

Living room/view of loft

My office in the loft

1/2 bath off of the kitchen

My pretty bathroom

My bedroom

road trip.

2007-07-09T11:11:00.000-05:00

In need of some entertainment? I highly encourage you to check this out...

An old friend of mine from high school, Tyler, and his friend who I [unfortunately] do not know, Disney, graduated from college in New York this May with no job and no plan.

So... what did they decide to do? What any recently graduated college students would do... buy an ambulance and road trip across the country.

Tyler and Disney are currently making their way across the United States in an ambulance whom they have named Tammy. As they make their trek, they have posted blogs and videos to help keep the public updated on their whereabouts/run-ins.

I have enjoyed reading and watching bits and pieces of this road trip take place.

Genius.

Their videos are on YouTube, as well as on their own personal blog. You can also find them on MySpace and in a group on Facebook, all in which are dedicated to this phenomenal idea.

Sit back, relax, watch, laugh, cry, love, and join the trip across the states with the genius' who are Tyler Schwartz and Andrew Disney.

growing up.

2007-07-03T10:24:00.000-05:00

When the Lord first called me to Kansas, I had it in my head that I'd be returning to Iowa after the summer, but deep down I could feel Him pressing Kansas on my heart for much longer than a few months. Once I accepted a teaching position, I then knew I'd for sure be staying at least a year... but I still sense God telling me to unpack my bags and to get comfortable.

"We're going to be here a while."

Last weekend I took a huge step... I bought a condo. My dear friend Stephanie had a dream a while back about me wanting to buy a condo, and in her dream I found one that I really wanted and was "a mansion condo" (don't ask me how that works).

Well, I think I found it. And with the Lord's permission, I bought it.

I had a target price I wanted to get the guy at, but I had a feeling I was going to have to offer way less then my desired price. So I did. Long story short, after a few offers and much intercession happening at the exact moment the seller was contemplating, he soon after accepted my target price. I signed the papers, I was officially approved for my loan, and by July 16th, I will officially be a home owner.

Daily He is reminding me and confirming that Wichita, Kansas is exactly where He wants me. Already I can look back over the past month and see the Hand of God in every moment of everyday that I wake up.

He is Faithful. And Good. And Gracious. And Magnificent. And Glorious. And Powerful. He is God. He is my King.

Sidenote: I'll put pictures up soon, but my condo is 1,450 square feet, 3 stories, 2 bedrooms, 1.5 bath, newly remodeled (as in, it was gutted and everything is brand new), granite countertops, Italian tile, new stainless steel appliances, an amazing [huge] stone fireplace, and has a loft above the kitchen. The owner is still finishing it up, but it's beautiful.

ravish.

2007-06-12T14:04:00.000-05:00

He has ravished my heart with His Word.

Day in and day out my eyes are fixed upon the Words of my Father. I have never felt so eager to jump into His Book and discover new depths of His heart.

As my eyes go from left to right over each word, the verses have become alive... real... they have become flesh. I am able to see deep inside of the Lord's heart; Truth is being revealed.

He has ravished my heart with His Word.

I am hungry for more... I am thirsty to understand, fully. I want to grasp what He was speaking then, what He is speaking now, and what He has for the future. My desire is Jesus; to know Jesus. I search night and day for revelation... for His power... for Love. To know God is my hearts desire.

Yes, He has ravished my heart with His Word.

To know that I have been unfaithful to the One who cannot be unfaithful, breaks my heart. I cannot live a life without Him as my center - the center of my thoughts, actions, and words.

As I studied to preach on Hezekiah and Hannah these past couple of weeks, I was reminded of what it means to believe and trust in the Almighty. I want to stand my ground when the world is against me... and I want to pray with complete sincerity. I want streams to flow from my eyes as I meditate on His Holiness. I want to fall to my knees as I bring Him praise. I want to stand amazed as I think about His Grace. I want to be confident that I hear the words that He is [constantly] speaking.

I want my heart to break.
I want to find myself broken at His feet.

For He has ravished my heart.
Yes, He has ravished my heart.
You O Lord, have ravished my heart.
My God the King... You have captured a broken heart.

there's no place like home.

2007-06-01T13:45:00.000-05:00

Kansas is nicknamed "The Sunflower State."
The state animal is the buffalo and the state insect is the honey bee.
Wichita is the largest city in Kansas, and Topeka is the capital.
Kansas lies in the middle of "Tornado Alley."
Kansas won the award for most beautiful license plate, for the wheat plate design issued in 1981.
At one time, Kansas had a law against serving ice cream on top of cherry pie.
Kansas has the largest population of wild grouse in North America; wild grouse = prairie chicken
The first Pizza Hut opened in Wichita.
A ball of hail, weighing one and a half pounds, landed in Kansas.
Kansas was a part of the Oregon Trail.
The state song is "Home on the Range."
It is illegal to catch a fish with your bare hands.
It is illegal to leave your car running unattended.
Kansas has a Barbed Wire Fence Museum.
The Wizard of Oz Museum lies in Wamego, Kansas.
It is prohibited to urinate on the side of a building, and spitting on the sidewalk could get you arrested.
Musical car horns are banned.
Overland Park prohibits picketing of funerals.
Unfortunetly, Kansas is where Fred Phelps "church" resides.
Kansas is smack in the middle of the United States.

People from Kansas call the Arkansas River the "Ark-Kansas River".

You don't go get coffee or a soda, you go get a "coke".

The wind never stops blowing... ever.

Kansas. My new home.

unfamiliar sky.

2007-05-30T16:20:00.000-05:00

The sky looks different here.

Everyday I wake up and catch a glimpse of an unfamiliar sky. It's same sky that I saw in Lake Forest and in Des Moines, but the Kansas sky is... unlike any sky I've seen before.

God is reminding me of His faithfulness... and He is reminding me of the [incredible] newness He promised me when I agreed to move down here.

The sky is reminding me of my life during this season.

who Am I?

2007-05-21T13:14:00.000-05:00

And here I am; getting settled in my new home in Wichita, Kansas. I admit it's weird, but I cannot express how right it feels to be here. It's exciting to finally step into the place that I've been preparing for, and to see the place that God has been preparing for me.

As I drove down here a couple of days ago, the Lord said, "Jackie, who Am I?" What? God, what do you mean, 'who Am I?' "No Jackie, WHO AM I?"

I didn't get what He meant the first time He asked, but after my questioning of what He meant, He became more firm.

"WHO AM I?"

Oh, now I get it...

You are my God... the One who takes care of me... the One who stands next to me and walks with me daily... the One who loves me even when I'm being a complete moron... the One who says I'm beautiful and worthy of Love... the One who has called me to be apart of His Kingdom... the One who has freed me from death... You are my God. Creator. Savior. Father. You are my God. My... God.

I will not fear what lies a head of me. I will not fear living in a place that is unfamiliar. I will not fear... I will not fear...

"Leaving the familiar is terrifying, but entering the unknown is Glorious."

I am being taken care of. There is nothing in me that says I haven't been called here. I trust and believe that my Lord would never lead me to a place that would not glorify Him, or a place that would completely destroy me. Of course, I must keep my eyes fixed upon Him in order to fully walk in His presence, but my being here is intended for Him to receive all praise and to enlarge His Kingdom.

"Who Am I?"

I like that God asked me that. I like that He challenged me to think beyond my earthly understanding of Him. I like that He reminded me of how I have nothing to fear because I am a daughter of God. And I like that I was reminded of the battle we must fight every day.

Children, who Am I? I ask you again... WHO AM I?

who are you?

2007-05-15T23:10:00.000-05:00

Recently, I was asked what person from the Bible I thought I was most similar to or could relate to the most. My first inclination was not to respond; I couldn't pick just one.

I began thinking about this question further. We all go through different seasons during our lives; therefore, changing who it is we can relate to during that specific time. I simply asked the Lord to show me who I "was" right now; at the place I'm standing at this moment of my life.

I was surprised by what the Lord spoke to me. I had a few in mind that I thought He's show me… but He took me to one of the last places I would have ever thought; 1 Kings:

Solomon loved the Lord and followed all the decrees of his father, David, except that Solomon, too, offered sacrifices and burned incense at the local places of worship. The most important of these places of worship was at Gibeon, so the king went there and sacrificed 1,000 burnt offerings. That night the Lord appeared to Solomon in a dream, and God said, 'What do you want? Ask, and I will five it to you!'

Solomon replied, 'You showed faithful love to your servant my father, David, because he was honest and true and faithful to you. And you have continued your faithful love to him today by giving him a son to sit on his throne.

Now, O Lord my God, you have made me king instead of my father, David, but I am like a little child who doesn't know his way around. And here I am in the midst of your own chosen people, a nation so great and numerous they cannot be counted! Give me an understanding heart so that I can govern your people well and know the difference between right and wrong. For who by himself is able to govern this great people of yours?'

The Lord was pleased that Solomon had asked for wisdom. So God replied, 'Because you have asked for wisdom in governing my people with justice and have not asked for a long life or wealth or the death of your enemies – I will give you what you asked for! I will give you a wise and understanding heart such as no one else has had or ever will have! And I will also give you what did not ask for – riches and fame! No other king in the world will be compared to you for the rest of your life! And if you follow me and obey my decrees and my commands as your father, David did, I will give you a long life.'

I'm not a male, and I'm certainly not a king, but as I read through these verses over and over again, I began to see why the Lord was speaking Solomon's name over my life right now. It's always cool when God surprises us.

So who are you most like? What person from the Bible can you most identify with at this moment?

it hurts.

2007-04-20T17:38:00.000-05:00

My heart hurts tonight.

... it hurts because His Heart hurts...

The hurt comes only from this world. The darkness is heavy today... it was heavy yesterday... it was heavy 8 years ago... 13 years ago... 2000 years ago...

... the heaviness doesn't disappear; some days I [unconsiously] choose to ignore it. But today I cannot, and I will not.

His Heart hurts, causing my heart to hurt... my heart hurts, causing His Heart to hurt. It's a beautiful cycle. To know Him, really know Him, is to fall into the center of His Heart. To be at the core, experiencing the storm with Him; the pain and the saddness... that is when He is known.

To know God is to know His heart.

Yet, joy presses through the storm... joy, reminding us, that our God is bigger than this world.

That is Enough.

Still, the darkness remains heavy. My heart hurts... His Heart hurts.

(... the death of Tim... seven high school classmates... thousands of strangers in New York... students from Littleton, Colorado... death in the Middle East... in Oklahoma City... students and professors from Virginia Tech... )

The darkness is heavy.

Our hearts hurt...

a [joyful] hurt.

concerts everywhere

2007-04-14T17:52:00.000-05:00

(FYI - If you're looking for something profound, stop reading now)

Over the past month, I've been able to go see three of my favorite artists/bands live. Besides getting to see some great artists at OneThing (not a concert... but in a way it is...), it had been about five months since I had bought any tickets to any shows. March and April have been good to me concerning concerts. Not to mention, for every show I somehow managed to be leaning against the stage.

My concert-spree began with my beloved Justin Timberlake. Hands down, his show is the best show I've ever seen. There are no words to describe how phenomonal it was. Plus... getting to hold his hand pretty much made my life. As sick as it is, I've had a thing for Mr. JT since I was in 7th grade, so you can only imagine that I became a screaming 13 year old girl while at this show. It was great.

The concerts continued on with the genius' who are MuteMath. This was my third time seeing them and they were just as incredible as they have been in the past. They know how to entertain. Unfortunetly, I didn't get to drive them to Denny's and hang out with them after the show this time, but just being at their show, watching them create insanely awesome music, and go nuts breaking things at the end was enough for me.

And the finale occured last night with Anberlin. They are nothing less than incredible musicians. I thought about crowd surfing just so I could get a hug from Steven, but voted against it in fear of being killed by the crazy fans. I've never been more sore and tired after a concert in my entire life. I even have bruises from the moshers who thought it would be okay to slam into me and push me against the stage for the entire show. Even though being in front hurt... a lot, it was well worth the view of Nathan Young. ; )

Surprisingly, I'm not concerted-out. I've actually been sad to think about the fact that I have no planned shows to attened in the near furture...

As into music I am, it's weird that, I myself, am not musically talented in any way. Listening to all these great artists and watching them perform, makes me want to become a musician. But alas, I have no music ability. God did not bless me what that gift. I suppose I will continue to be one of the people who just listens, enjoys, and rocks out when necessary.

the cost of blood

2007-04-03T16:37:00.000-05:00

A heart cries out...

I am free in Christ, yet so often do I feel I'm a slave. I can overcome any battle with my God, yet defeat lurks around my body.

What is freedom God?... real, alive, heavenly Freedom.

"Child rise up, My child, rise up!"

I cannot... for I do not know Freedom...

"Be liberated! I call you to come into the realm of Freedom from all restriction and bondage. Come forth! Break loose! Now is a time..."

for not even freedom itself is free. it comes at the highest of cost. the cost of blood.

--300--

the Heart of my God

2007-03-27T15:54:00.000-05:00

As stated previously, something Big is going on. Something Devine, something Glorious.

Over the past couple of weeks, here is a glimpse of what the Father has been speaking to me for His children and myself.

...This is not only a time of acceleration but also elevation. You are moving higher in the realm of the Spirit. Yet, this upward movement will occasionally be interrupted by minor setbacks. Make sure that you do not allow discouragement to creep in, for that would certainly open a door for the enemy to attack and afflict you. Maintain emotional stability and peace, which will be vital to your progression...

...Refuse to allow the noise of difficult situations to drown out or overpower My voice. Stay calm and maintain peace, for surely I will lead you through this in victory if you will let Me lead. Do not take matters into your own hands or "go off half cocked." What you encounter at this time is another necessary step in bringing all things into divine order. This must be dealt with at this time...

...Trust Me to go before you to make the crooked places straight and the rough places smooth. Keep moving ahead, but be flexible. You must learn to hold everything with an open hand instead of a tight grip. I will lead you into My plans and purposes as you yield to My order. Be encouraged and go with My flow...

...Refuse to be distracted by the strange discomfort that tries to get you off balance. Transition is never easy or comfortable, but if you will stay focused on what you know to be truth and light and continue to trust Me, it won't be long until you come through to a new level of stability. You will arise to greater insights and revelation and will find new strength to move forward. You will also find renewed courage to accomplish all that I have set before you... (Psalms 27:14)

...Be strong and courageous; you are almost out of the woods. Keep pressing through and you will soon realize that the resistance that you have been pushing against in the spirit realm is gone. Don't give up, however, until you feel that release. You will find that the pushing and pressing you have had to do has made your stronger...

...Watch for the enemy to use situations against you to intimidate you and cause you to be afraid that you have made the wrong choice. But, I say to you, do not give in to these temptations to question your own judgment. I have led you thus far, and I will continue to take you into the place that I have appointed for you. Do not be afraid of what may seem to be overwhelming odds and insurmountable challenges, for I am with you to bring you through to absolute victory… When He spoke this, I couldn't help but think of David when he was face to face with Goliath.

...Look up, beloved, for I tell you truly that the clouds of confusion are going to part and you will step into the clear light of day. You are about to see with great clarity. The issues that have caused to you wonder what to do next will become crystal clear, and you will know exactly what your next step must be. Answers to your questions will come suddenly, but might not be what you expected. Get ready to receive...

Yet, even with all that said, I am still [sometimes] left unsure... and sad... and scared... and mad... and... confused. I so desperately want to crawl out of my human skin and join my God in my heavenly body, because this body, [sadly] still finds herself hesistant even after hearing those Promises and Truths spoken.

That definitely reminds me of how messed up our human minds are... and how badly the enemy attempts to corrupt and twist who the Creator is.

[Sigh]...

But the last thing He spoke sticks out to me greatly... "Get ready to receive"... He didn't ask if I wanted to receive, or He didn't ask if I was ready to receive, He just said "get ready".

Get ready.

He has Wisdom for you... get ready to receive it. He has Knowledge for you... get ready to take it. He has Grace for you... get ready to grasp it. He has Truth for you... get ready to hold onto it. And He has Answers for you... get ready to receive it.

Children, get ready.

Your mission, if you chose to accept it...

2007-03-21T11:49:00.000-05:00

A number of months ago, the Lord placed the book of Joshua on my heart. As I read, I became fascinated by the challenge God handed to a young man who was considered "ordinary". I was reminded of the people in my life. I saw many of friends as a "Joshua"; I could see the Lord moving and preparing to turn His ordinary children into mighty warriors.

Last week He asked me once again to look at Joshua, specifically Joshua 1:9.

"This is my command - be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

A Great and Mighty transition has begun.

I was talking with a friend a couple of nights ago about how it seems everyone in our lives right now are going through radical transition. He said, and I quote, "There is too much going on with too many of our friends for it all to be a coincidence."

No doubt.

When God called Joshua to be the one to lead the Israelites into the land that the He had promised them years before, Joshua's whole life changed. An ordinary (and unlikely) boy became a huge part of the Almighty's plan.

You can image the fear that Joshua must have felt... I imagine him just hanging out at home, maybe tending to the cows or something, and God audibly saying to him, "Hey Joshua... so, since Moses is now dead, I'm going to have you take over and lead the Israelites the rest of the way... sound good?" Oh man...

Joshua was called to live higher. Joshua was called to live radically. Joshua was called to change the world.

I have a handful of friends who I see falling into the same situation as Joshua found himself in, along with myself. Maybe we aren't taking charge of a complete nation and leading them into a new land, but we are being handed specific groups of people to lead towards Christ. And it isn't just a "whenever you feel like it" type thing, but a complete lifestyle change.

Moving, leaving current jobs, walking away from volunteer positions, ending unhealthy or distracting relationships... all in order to focus solely on leading the Israelites of our day.

I love that my friends are abandoning the familiar and sprinting towards the unknown, simply because God has asked them to.

During Joshua's transition, the Lord reminded him of a few things...

"The time has come for you to lead these people..." (v. 2)
"I promise you what I promised Moses: 'Wherever you set foot, you will be on land I have given you'" (v. 3)
"No one will be able to stand against you as long as you live. For I will be with you... I will not fail you or abandon you" (v. 5)
"Be strong and courageous, for you are the one who will lead these people..." (v. 6)
"...obey all the instructions Moses gave you" (v. 7)
"Study this Book of Instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night..." (v. 8)
"Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go" (v. 9)

Once God called Joshua into that role, He wanted to make sure that Joshua understood what He expected of him, and that he understood the importance of this position. For the first 9 verses in chapter 1, God leaves nothing out about his new mission. He tells him what he's taking over, He tells him that He will protect him, He tells him not to be afraid, and he tells him how to remain standing strong.

That is all Joshua needed to know. Perhaps at the time, Joshua asked God how he was going to lead the Israelites and what was going to happen, but all the Lord did was leave him with the few things that he needed to know.

Myself and all of my friends know nothing about how things are going to turn out or what steps we're all going to take while in these great callings, but we can rely on God's promises; the things we need to know.

He is faithful. He will protect us. We should not be afraid. And we must constantly study His Word.

It's all Joshua needed, and it's all we need; He walked blindedly believing that he had been called to be Great.

We shall do the same. We will step into these roles, unsure, but confident because we have been called by God.

I am excited to see everything that the Lord does in this new phase of my friends lives. I pray confidently for direction and trust as these people whom I love dearly stand face to face with the unfamiliar. I see incredible greatness in each one of them, and even as things are drastically changing and we can't see the end of the road, our God is fulfilling His plan.

This is you mission, if you chose to accept it.

Complete Abandon

2007-03-01T20:15:00.000-06:00

When your heart breaks, who do you become?

Do you become the person who takes that brokenness and pushes it away, not willing to deal with it? Are you the one who holds on to the fact that your heart has been broken so strongly, that daily, your world seems to fall apart, and you feel like you’ll never be able to escape the vicious cycle? Or are you in the rarity who takes that brokenness, hands it to the Almighty, and continues walking with confidence, joy, praise, and unending hope?

When something wonderful happens in our life, we shine. We allow others to see our joy and we want others to celebrate with us. Yet… when brokenness occurs, we do all that we can to stay hidden. Hanging out with a group of friends means putting on that fake smile and “preparing” ourselves to be aware of our thoughts and actions the entire time we’re with them (this may be easier for some than for others).

Why does brokenness in our lives completely control us? Why does hurt rip us to shreds? Why when the littlest events occur in our lives, we’re left feeling as if we have nothing?

I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of hearing the cliché Christian responses when I or someone else is feeling broken.

[Insert sarcasm now…]
“God is good.”
“God has a plan.”
“God is in charge.”
“Just pray.”
“You’re going to get through this.”
Blah blah blah blah blah…

We throw those phrases around like pennies (and I hate pennies…). There’s a ton of them, they’re annoying, small little sentences that can “buy” me absolutely nothing.

I know God is good.
I know God has a plan.
I know God is in charge.
I know to pray.
I know that I’m going to get through this (whatever “this” is at the time).
I know.

Some people do need to hear these things at the appropriate time because they are true, but… by only hearing these phrases, you often begin to ignore and become unwilling to deal with the reality of the brokenness. Yes, God is still good when we are broken, but we have to deal with our pain because it’s real.

We have emotions. God gave us emotions. So let them out. If something sucks, tell Him it sucks. If you feel like you’re going to die from heartache, tell him you feel like you’re going to die. If you are confused about what He’s doing, tell Him. If you think He’s being unfaithful to you, ask Him to show you that He really is faithful.

The last thing someone wants to hear when they’re struggling is, “You’re fine. You’ll get through this because God is good” (well, at least that’s the case for me…).

That question at the top… who do you become when you find yourself face to face with a broken heart?

I don’t think we can become person number three until we’ve become person number one or two. We’re human; were going to get mad at God no matter how much we love Him. We’re going to get frustrated with what our Father allows to happen in our lives. We’re going to complain and be upset and cry and whine. We’re going to ignore what we’re facing. We’re human… you will do one of these.

We all need our time of grasping the brokenness. We have to take it by the neck, hold onto it, taste it, experience it, see reality in it; because otherwise we will never get to a point where we can become person number three. So once we enter the rink with our brokenness, we have a choice… go back to ignoring it, continue laying in it, or stand up to it, realize the reality and that it won’t be changing [right then], and sincerely proclaim that even though it sucks and hurts, you are serving a God who is more passionately in Love with you than you could ever comprehend.

* * * * * * *

During a drive home after having dinner with a friend, Something inside of me woke up to the reality I’ve been living in.

There is so much more hurt occurring in the world then what is happening in my own little world. I’m sitting here in my nice little apartment in West Des Moines with a rooms full of stuff, with a Godly roommate whom I love dearly, thinking about my incredible family, reminding myself of my wonderful friends who are spread throughout the world… I’m here getting an incredible education with no loans to pay off when I’m through, about to graduate from college, will be starting an amazing job after graduation, and I can move wherever the heck I want come August.

Person number two is done.

While I’ve been person number two for the past month and a half, I’ve become blind to everything else happening around me and all that God is doing (and all that He wants me to be doing).

It’s important to go through and feel the hurt, but there comes a time to focus on the bigger and the greater things.

One of my students went missing yesterday… another was arrested yesterday morning for harassing another teacher… another is possibly pregnant… another explained that her mom sells their food stamps for drugs… another told me today that he hopes to be adopted soon…

No longer can I remain focused on my own hurt (which really, is nothing compared to what these kids have been going through everyday their entire lives). I spend 40 hours a week with 13 and 14 year olds who are more broken than I could ever understand; it’s time for them to be my focus. I want them to be my focus. I feel so sad for some of my students… I want to pray for them like I’ve never prayed before.

Unable to see this until recently, I am where I am because this is the only place I can stand and be effective and go through the preparation that I need, in order to be used in the ways God wants to use me. I know that He’d be able to use me if I was still where I was two months ago, but not as He intended. There would be distraction and hindrances that would effect my growth and how I serve in His Kingdom.

I’m not willing to let that happen.

I am going where my God calls me to go; no exceptions. If that means I lose friends, then I lose friends. If that means I’m single again, then I want to be single. If that means I move away, then I’ll move in a heartbeat.

I want to be in the small population of people who give up everything for Jesus. I want to seek God in ways that people don’t know how to. I want to hear the Lord in ways that is unimaginable. I want to be used like no one has been used.

As I still walk through my own hurts now and those in the future, I have to remember this moment. I have to remember what I live for and Who I live for. I will face the brokenness for the time needed, but my God has bigger plans for me then a broken heart.

"God is bigger than your hurt..."

Will you?

2007-02-19T23:54:00.000-06:00

December 30, 2006
I was running through a corn field eagerly looking for my GOD. I would not give up until I found Him. He said, "Here I Am." Though I could not see Him, I heard Him. I continued looking…

December 31, 2006
… keep praying – keep questioning – keep praying – keep searching…

January 1, 2007
… You asked me, "Will you keep running? Will you keep searching?" Yes GOD, my answer is yes…

January 2, 2007
I saw us playing hide-and-go-seek. It excited me. I knew that You were joyful and wanted me to continue looking for You. I felt so connected and near to You at that moment. I knew that I wanted to keep looking for You, even when I couldn't catch a glimpse of You.

January 10, 2007
You asked me something you asked me about week ago… "Will you keep running? Will you keep searching?" But today GOD, I am hesitant… you know why. I don't want my world to fall apart… but I want to and I will continue running and searching no matter the circumstance.

January 18, 2007
"Will you keep running? Will you keep searching?"

February 6, 2007
Even with my doubts and my fears and my uncertainties, I am going to continue running after my GOD, because even though I don't know Him, I trust Him.

February 12, 2007
I was walking around a city. Unknown. As I walked, my thoughts were heard out loud; "GOD, I don't know where I am and everything is so unfamiliar, but I know the You are here with me and I have peace."

February 20, 2007
"Remember what I asked you… will you keep running? Will you keep searching?"

He reminded me specifically of each of these moments. Flipping through each journal page, I had forgotten how many times He had asked me if I would continue looking for Him, or how many times He showed me searching intensely for Him.

Sometimes I forget how faithful He is.

These words play over and over and over in my head: "Will you keep running? Will you keep searching?"

Son or daughter… will you continue looking for me, even when I appear to be missing?
Son or daughter… will you continue searching for me, even when you can't hear me?
Son or daughter… will you still run after me, even when I take a beautiful thing away?
Son or daughter… will you still trust me, even when I take you into the unfamiliar?
Son or daughter… will you still go?
Son or daughter… will you?

Will you?

I was reminded of Jesus commanding His people to follow Him. Jesus spoke the words "follow Me" 20 times in the Bible. It wasn't a "hey follow Me if you feel like it", but a command. Jesus didn't sit down and discuss with His people weather following Him was a good idea or not, He commanded that they follow. He didn't tell them to go do whatever they needed to, and then follow Him… but He said to follow Him right then and there.

A man wanted to bury his dead Father, Jesus said, "Follow Me" (Matthew 8:21-22)
Jesus asked Matthew the tax collector to follow Him, and he did (Matthew 9:9)
Jesus got into a boat, and they followed (Matthew 8:23)
He said follow, "at once they left their nets and followed" (Mark 1:17-18)
A man wanted to say goodbye to his family, Jesus said, "Follow Me" (Luke 9:61-62)

Following GOD is scary. It shouldn't be, but for some reason it is. He knows so much that we don't, and He would never lead us in a direction that wasn't intended for Good.

So here I am. Running and searching and following and pressing forward, harder and more intensely than I ever have before.

My GOD is faithful.

Leaving the familiar is terrifying… but entering the unknown is glorious.

There is so much good here, so much good. But… He's asking me to follow Him into the Greatness that lies in another place. So here I go, following my GOD; confident only in the fact that this is where He wants me to go. No understanding of what will happen or what He has for me there, but only because of two simple words He spoke [and is speaking], "Follow Me."

"The greatest enemy of the best is good."

Funny God

2007-02-14T15:50:00.000-06:00

I met up with an old... acquaintance... last night. Her and I have known each other for a of couple years now, but we never really became good friends. You could say that we went through some things that kept us from ever forming a friendship...

So two weeks ago when the Lord told me I needed to meet up with her to discuss one of the most recent changes in my life, I was shocked.

I refused. This included me whining, talking myself out of it, letting my pride stand in the way, and just being flat out scared.

God is funny.

After a very firm "get a hold of her" from the Lord after church on Sunday, I held my breath and emailed her. So when I received a response back from her the next day I was mortified to open it.

But again, God is funny.

She told me that ever since she briefly saw me at the OneThing Conference over New Years, the Lord had asked her to commit to praying for me. Coincidence? I think not. God asked her to start praying at the exact moment many many many things in my life were beginning to change. Little did I know during that time, the good and the bad that would occur later in January and up until today, but I'm now see that everything started at that conference; right when God wanted me to be covered.

He even wanted a friendship to start that wasn't possible before.

It was so wonderful to sit down with her and talk, and listen, and laugh. There was comfort during those couple of hours that was never been there before... there was honesty and sincerity... there was true joy... there was love... and Love... and there was a connection of friendship that we've never had.

I absolutely loved it.

As we talked, she told me many of the same things so many people have told me... but... it was as if I hadn't heard any of it before. Everything she said seemed all so new, even though I knew it wasn't. But I was finally able to understand. I have no doubt in my mind that God wanted to use her to get through to me because no one else could.

God is funny.

Now, I have a new friend whom I greatly look up to and respect. And the only way this friendship was even possible, is because of the Lord. I can't even express that enough, but it's true. So much healing had to take place before this meeting could've even been possible... and it has.

I love it.

Plus... now I have someone to talk pop music and Justin Timberlake with.

Caught between like and Love

2007-01-30T15:54:00.000-06:00

I'm tired... no... worn out... no... utterly exhausted.

I've only been teaching for 2 weeks and already this constant "on the go" position I've found myself in is catching up with me.

I go to bed ridiculously early.

I get up ridiculously early.

I stand in front of 107 8th graders on the south side of Des Moines all day, five days a week. I teach these 13 and 14 year olds Language Arts. They yell... I yell... they yell back... I give them detention.

My heart breaks for them.

So many come from broken homes and homes where their parents treat them like a disease... no encouragement, no support, nothing. I teach drug addicts... 8th grade drug addicts. I teach 8th graders who are sexually active, who are shoplifters, kids who are physically and verbally violent.

Today a student accused me of only picking on him. Another told me she liked my sweater. There was another that accused me of being unfair. And another wanted to know everything about my life.

Thank the Lord I love middle schoolers... otherwise I would have walked out on the very first day. South side Des Moines kids are no north shore Chicago kids...

But the only thing that I want teach these kids, I can't.

I live for Jesus. So when I can't talk about the the Love of my life, and tell about how He is the only One who brings restoration, it kills me.

Even though I'm exhausted, I'm enjoying teaching. I really am, but... I'm also discovering that being just a Language Arts classroom teacher is much harder for me then I thought it would be. Not "hard" as in "tiring hard", but "heart breaking hard". I can pray and pray and pray for my students one my own time and throughout my day, but so much more do I want to tell them about the Lord. I want to attempt to answer their questions, lay hands on them to pray, encourage them with the Word, and asked them what the Father has been teaching them.

I knew it would be hard for me to be in a classroom and not talk about my God, but I never knew that it would be this hard.

I graduate in May and I have to start making some decisions soon. Des Moines schools have already begun looking to fill teaching positions for the fall. Oi vey...

This summer I'll most likely be working for 3 months in my dream job (more on that later), but after that...?

So here I stand unsure of what to do. [Easily] get a teaching job doing something that I like for when I return to Des Moines? Or trust that come August I'll be able to [maybe] find a position doing this something that I love?

I surrender.

On another note, it's cool how the Lord gives us a word at the exact moment that we need to hear one. He spoke this today... "Looking back over the past few weeks, you can see that you have been in a spiritual maze that you've struggled to find your way through. I have brought you through and you will now be able to move forward in greater clarity and precision. Rejoice in this time, for you will experience heightened discernment and optimum efficiency."

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind (James 1:5-6).

The Perfect Storm

2007-01-25T15:59:00.000-06:00

It's the year of perfection... well, at least that's what I keep hearing.

7 is the number of GOD. 7 is perfect. 2007 so far has been... perfect... but I can only say that because I am confident that the One in charge is allowing things to occur and working in ways that only He can see as perfection. I don't understand... nothing makes sense... He's doing things that I didn't plan...

Wake up call?

Yes.

I can't help but think about the blog I wrote before this one ("Lack of..."). In no way will I be offended by the things my GOD has spoken into my life and into others. I can't be. It's interesting that He spoke that blog over me a week prior to some major changes and decisions in my life.

I've never really felt like I've started a new year off "new". My years have always blended together and nothing "new" has occurred except that on school assignments I would write say, "2006" instead of "2005"...

but 2007 is different. Way different.

2007 is new. I do feel as if I have started a new life. It's weird... scary... exciting... stressful... and glorious all at the same time.

I'm standing in the middle of a perfect storm.

(I'm simply not attending classes any longer, but rather, I'm teaching them...

This is only one example of this new life GOD has given me in 2007... in His perfection).

Perfection. I have a human definition of what it is, but I don't think I can actually comprehend what His perfection looks like. But... here I stand with new experiences, new opportunities, new relationships, and though I'm not always sure what my GOD is doing, I can be sure that I have fallen into His beautiful perfection.

I'm supposed to be here.

Quite honestly, from the worlds view in, I'm sure my life looks... less than perfect. But in actuality, my 2007 has begun perfectly. And the only reason for that is because I have found myself standing in the exact spot that my God wants me.

Now that's perfection.

Lack of...

2007-01-11T17:30:00.000-06:00

I got the most recent Justin McRoberts CD for Christmas. It’s called “Grace Must Wound Before it Heals”. Specifically track #2 caught my attention last night… throughout the entire song he repeats a line that began to pull heavily on my heart.

“… change the way you see…”

Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about how I don’t understand GOD. I only think I do, but in reality, I don’t. The only god that I understand is the one that the world has invented. This god isn’t necessarily a bad god by any means, he’s just… unrealistic. This god is too simple. I sit in services sometimes and feel like I’m being taught about this god; not GOD. Not my GOD. Not our GOD. Not the GOD in the Bible, but only a fairytale god to make life seem easy and simple.

GOD isn’t simple, and being a Christian isn’t easy... a couple of years ago I heard a speaker say this:

“The Christian life isn’t hard… the Christian life isn’t even difficult… the Christian life is impossible. There’s only one guy who was perfect at it, and it isn’t you and it certainly isn’t me…”

If we are unable to live the Christian life, then how could we ever fully understand the One who invented it and lived it out perfectly?

I don’t understand GOD… only the god that my world has made up.

If I knew GOD, like actually knew and understood GOD, I know for a fact that my life wouldn’t look the way that it does.

If I was able to grasp the broken heart that GOD feels on a daily basis for His people, my life would be different.

If I was able to comprehend how much GOD Loves His children, I know that I would be living a different life.

I think in my 21 years of living, I’ve only experienced and known GOD’s heart for a total of [maybe] 85 minutes. Specifically during one of these ever so brief moments, I was taken into the depths of His heart. I could feel His sadness. I could feel His joy. During this time I… slightly… understood GOD’s broken heart and His Love.

Think about it… if we really knew the sadness that our Father feels for His people, would we really continue to sit around watching 24 or playing Xbox for hours on end? I think a lot of Christians talk the talk, but rarely ever walk the walk… myself included.

I know that in those brief moments that I knew GOD’s heart, all I wanted to do was serve Him and change the world… but the feeling faded. I still want to serve Him and change the world for Him, but sadly… I confess that it’s not the only thing that I want to do… I get caught up in worldly important things.

And then there’s love… GOD is Love, so it only makes sense that we don’t understand Love or GOD. Because the only love I understand is the love the world tells me about. If worldly love is GOD, then I don’t want it.

But thankfully love and Love are completely different.

If I understood what real Love is, then my life would be different. I know that I wouldn’t be selfish… GOD isn’t selfish because GOD is Love. I know that I wouldn’t be rude… I wouldn’t be impatient… I wouldn’t be jealous… I wouldn’t be envious.

I’m not saying that it’s impossible to love, because as humans we do have the ability to love, yet it’s skewed. We can love, but we can’t Love. We cannot Love like GOD Loves because GOD is Love and we are not GOD. But even knowing that I don’t have the ability to Love like GOD Loves, so much do I desire to, and so much do I strive towards knowing that kind of Love.

I want my desire to know and understand true Love, to be so significant that my entire life changes.

I want another moment of slightly understanding GOD’s broken heart, but this time, that the affect of this moment hits me so hard that my entire life changes.

People say that love isn’t perfect, and you know what? They’re right… love isn’t perfect. But Love is perfect. GOD is Love and GOD is perfect. You do the math…

So do you understand GOD? Because I don’t…

We don’t serve a simple GOD… our GOD is too big… and too Great… and too Mighty for us to fully understand. Our human minds cannot grasp His Goodness, thus concluding that we cannot grasp Him.

“…change the way you see…”

If we understand God, we would live differently. We would never be offended by the things that He does.

If GOD asked you to quit your job in order to take a position working with the homeless, making a significantly less amount of money, without explanation, would you be offended that He would ask you to do such a thing?

Would you be offended if GOD asked you to break off a relationship, romantic or friendship, without explanation?

If GOD asked you to stop serving in a specific ministry position without giving you a significant reason, would you be offended?

If we understood GOD, we wouldn’t be.

But if we are offended… who are we serving?

Shouldn’t we believe and trust that all things our GOD calls us to do will ultimately serve His Kingdom and bring Him glory, even if we can’t see that at first? Do we really think that our GOD would call us to do something that would destroy us?

Maybe this distrust and disbelief in being taken care of comes from our understanding of love – the definition of love the world gives.

But Love… if we knew this Love, truly knew it, I guarantee that we would never be offended.

GOD isn’t simple… because if He was, we’d probably have this Christian thing down…

But we don’t.

I want my eyes to change.
I want to know brokenness.
I want to know Love.
I want to know GOD.

“There’s something bigger going on, there’s Someone bigger then me… so fill me with the knowledge of GOD, with the knowledge of You, with the knowledge of the Holy, Holy.”

[you]

2007-01-04T10:22:00.000-06:00

I think grocery shopping is overwhelming and time consuming.

I get giddy when I think about starting my first day of school.

I like to lite incense and lay in my bed after a l o n g day.

I'm only 5'3" and need help reaching high up places.

My heart bre aks when I hear someone talk about depression and suicide.

I have a love/hate relationship with the ocean.

I have fun when I hang out with junior high kids.

I desire to be the woman in Proverbs 31.

I like my cinnamon rolls without cinnamon.

I'm a horrible runner, but I could swim laps for hours.

I sometimes get scared of the dark.

When I'm sick I want to be taken care of.

My eyes are sensitive to light.

I like sarcasm and I like sarcastic people.

I can't roll my tongue or wiggle my ears.

I enjoy having a Long Island or Margarita every once in a while.

I find great joy in prayer and intercession.

My love languages are quality time and physical touch.

I'd rather have a few close friends rather than a vast amount that I don't know well.

I have a silent laugh when I laugh really hard.

I love sushi, but I've never been to Japan.

I enjoying running stairs when I work out.

I get excited when someone teaches me something [new] that they love.

I am no longer walking in darkness, but in Light.

What makes your heart beat?

What makes your heart bre ak?

What are you made up of?

Our GOD is a creative GOD. No one is exactly the same. You have brown hair because GOD said that you would have brown hair. You can dunk a ball because the LORD said that you would have that ability. You understand theology because GOD said that you would have that knowledge.

You are made up of ingredients from GOD; that has produced you.

You are not a mistake.
You were deeply thought about by your Creator.
You are not a mistake.
You were highlighted as important while being put together.
You are not a mistake.
You are being thought of non-stop by Him.
You are not a mistake.

So again I ask... what makes your heart beat? What makes your heart break? What are you made up of?

You have a niche... what is it?

GOD has breathed onto you... what has it produced?

Amongst the brokenness we feel and see, there is beauty.

Nothing short of random

2006-12-15T11:30:00.000-06:00

I read an article today entitled, "When Your Man's Best Friend Is Another Girl." I read this title and thought to myself, 'ouch.' The writer talked about how her boyfriend Jeremy had his best friend, Libby, fly in from California to visit him. [Supposedly] Libby was nothing but rude to this girl. As she tried to make friends with her man's "bf", Libby only ignored and glared at her. They all went out together that night, where a little too much drinking led to Libby asking Jeremy questions (right in front of her) like, "if you were single right now, who would you flirt with?" and "why are you dating her?" My heart broke for this girl. The article ended with the author explaining that while they were driving home that night, Jeremy looked to the backseat at Libby and happily yelled, "I LOVE YOUUUU!!" Jeremy didn't mean that he was in love with Libby, nor did he mean that he wasn't not in love with his girlfriend, but men... some advice... if you have a girlfriend, be careful who your "best friends" are. A woman's heart can be torn apart if she feels that you care more about a girl who's a friend, then her, even if you don't. Simply by just having a best friend that is a girl, this can leave your girlfriend feeling second best and not worthy. So again, be careful. Know your girlfriend and know her heart...

Have you ever felt you've been pulled back into junior high? Besides the fact that I'll be hanging out with 8th graders every day, all day for 4 months come January, this past week I feel I've nose dived right back into middle school. I strongly believe that some people get so incredibly bored with their lives that they feel the need to create drama simply for their own entertainment and "excitement." I've been able to stay on the outskirts of it all, but MAN... just watching some of this stuff I find myself quite exhausted.

I finished my last class as an undergraduate student yesterday. It's weird. No more Drake college classes for me... ever.

Tonight, Epicenter will be having its last service of 2006. I highly recommend that you all come out. My good friend, and roommate, the beautiful Stephanie Bennett, will be speaking on meeting GOD face to face. And I do believe that He is going to meet with us tomorrow night. He's ready to show up... so come and have your face rocked!

This weekend I'll be flying to Florida to witness and be a part of one of my best friends wedding. I'm so excited... originally her wedding was only going to be family, but about a month ago I got a phone call from her where she told me that she really wanted me there. I've only met her fiancee once, but from seeing them together and hearing the way she talks about him, I couldn't have picked out a more perfect man for her. They are both passionately in love with GOD, He is the center of their relationship, and they want people to walk into their home knowing that the LORD is present. I'm honored to witness [and be apart of] a ceremony for such a pure and GOD-driven couple.

After my quick trip to Florida, I'll be back in Des Moines for a few days... finishing up moving, a nice [early] Christmas dinner with the boy, and turning in the last of my finals... I'll then be headed to one of my favorite places in the world; Colorado. My family and I are spending Christmas at our house in Palisade, Colorado. It's so freaking beautiful there. Middle of the flat top mountains in vineyard country. Amazing. Plus... I'm only about an hour from some of my favorite ski resorts. I can't wait to get back on my board. I'm in withdrawal... 9 months without snowboarding is WAY too long.

OneThing is coming up, and I'm stoked. I've never been before, but I've heard nothing but great things about it. GOD, I know, is going to show up in ways I've never seen before and I'm ready. I'm expecting my GOD to do huge things. And I know He wants to do big things. So if you have December 28 - January 1 free, sign yourself up, head down to Kansas City, and experience GOD in crazy ways.

See that dog at the top of the page? Yeah... I want to own a dog like that one day. I think I'd rather have one that's black, but point being, I just want that kind of dog. They're huge... and it looks like a bear. I love that dog.

And lastly, if anyone wants to get me a Christmas present and is stuck, let me help you out a little... I hear the Burton Feelgood ES 151 board is incredible. I mean it is, "hands down, the highest women's performance snowboard on earth [ever]."

Well there you have it folks... a little randomness before Christmas.

[I love...]

2006-12-09T19:00:00.000-06:00

You know what I love?

I love that GOD shows up anywhere, any time...

...that I don't have to go sit in a church building to hear and experience my LORD...

...that He cares about all of my concerns, not matter how "stupid" I think they are...

...that my Savior is so passionately in Love with me, that I'm not able to comprehend the fullness of His Love...

...that when I'm not thinking about Him, He's thinking about me...

...that He romances me in ways that no man ever could...

...that He will never fail, at anything...

...that my GOD has a plan for me, that's better then anything I could ever come up with myself...

...that He knows my heart better than I know my own heart...

...that even when I mess up, He will do nothing but embrace me more...

...that He's faithful, even when I'm not...

...that He has captured the hearts of some of the most important people in my life...

...that daily, He teaches me about Love, selflessness, trust, passion, and purity...

...that He forgets my mistakes...

...that eternal life with Him is free...

...that my LORD surprises me daily...

...that to Him I am beautiful...

...that He allows His Spirit to live inside of us, giving us a small piece of His power...

...that His name is written on my heart...

...that my GOD has a sense of humor, who I know laughs with me (and probably at me) at times...

...that I'm never alone...

...that He has allowed me to fight for Him and with Him...

...that I haven't been forgotten... and neither have you.

I love that we have a Father who has been there from the very beginning. He knit us together in our mother's womb. He knew us before we were even born. And you mean everything to Him.

You know what I love?

I love having a Dad who I know will never walk away from me.

You know what I love?

I love that you have a Dad who will never walk away from you.

You know what I love?

Watching my brokenness be mended.

Watching my heart transform into something Beautiful.

Watching change take place.

You know what I love?

Healing.

Redemption.

Love.

Joy.

Power.

Grace.

Mercy.

GOD.

You know what He loves?

You.

So much more...

2006-12-04T11:44:00.000-06:00

There are hearts that were made for more. There is… a heart… that was made for more... so much more.

Every beat of my heart against the inside wall of my chest, screams for something more. Something Bigger. Something Beautiful. Something Great.

Words run rapid through my heart and mind, repeating [only half] truths.

“I trust You completely.”
“I believe that You are going to take care of me.”
“I’m not scared because You’re in charge.”

I hear these words and I know these words, but the more I chew on them, the more their flavor is lost. Food without taste isn’t appetizing… no one craves for a candy bar that tastes like nothing. The moment that gum loses its flavor, it gets tossed into the trash. My words often become empty, meaningless, and flavorless. I say them because I know the taste that they’re supposed to have. I guess you could say that I know how to play “Christian” really well.

But don’t we all to a certain extent? When rough times come our way, we don’t want to hear people give us the same cliché answers and responses over and over again, so we say what we need to in order to stop [the same] advice come from other people. We know what to say in order to get people off our backs.

“I trust Him completely.”
“I believe that He’s going to take care of me.”
“I’m not scared because He’s in charge.”

We’ve lost the fullness of those phrases.
We’ve lost the flavor.
We’ve lost the Truth.

By noon today, I had only been in my car for a total of about 25 minutes, and already I had heard the same song six times. The first two times I heard it, I thought nothing of it. By the third, my heart began to beat a little faster… by the fourth I wanted to cry… and during the fifth and sixth I began to taste again.

“I will walk by faith,
Even when I cannot see…”

I then received an email with this verse attached… faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead (James 2:17)

I will walk by faith… yes, I say that, but it’s not about saying it. Like in James, it’s about saying it, and then taking action in it. It’s about saying it, and then tasting it. It’s about saying it, and meaning it.

This heart was made for more than just repeating cliché Christian words, in order to look like I’ve got it under control. Cause in reality, I don’t...

But the good thing is… GOD is Bigger. GOD is more Powerful. GOD is Stronger. GOD is Perfect. And GOD is inside of this heart, which means that I am being protected.

So do I trust Him completely? Do I believe that he’s going to take care of me? Do I really have no fear simply because He’s the One in charge?

How I wish I could respond with a confident “yes” to each of those questions…

GOD is my refuge and my strength… GOD is the reason I live and breathe… GOD is my everything… yet sadly, I’m still unable to trust completely. When it gets dark, I get scared. When I can’t see the end of the road, I freeze up and question. When I encounter something new, I hesitate to move forward.

This heart was made to Trust. And it will… it will… it will…

This heart was made for something more.
Something Great.
It was made to speak and believe Truth.

"Father, I will trust You completely."
"Father, I will believe that You're going to take care of me."
"Father, I will not be scared because You are in charge."

Know that your struggles will cause you to be strengthened in faith as you rely upon Me.

Light Out Shines darkness

2006-11-18T13:07:00.000-06:00

Today is Saturday, November 18, and for a lot of people it's just another regular Saturday. But for other's it's a day to remember loved ones and a day of hope. Today is the 8th annual National Survivors of Suicide Day. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) announced November 18th as the National Survivors of Suicide Day in order to reach out to tens of thousands of people who have lost a loved one to suicide, or who have themselves survived attempts of suicide.

AFSP puts on a walk every year called, Out of the Darkness Overnight. This overnight brings together people from all over the country, t help raise money for suicide prevention. This year, it is taking place in New York City. The thousands of people who gather together for this walk, begin walking as the sun goes down, and they walk through the whole night until the sun begins to rise the next morning. This walk symbolizes the hope and light people can see if they walk through their depression [or darkness], even if the darkness never seems to end.

As a former "darkness walker", I want to stress the importance of today... I want to ask that you would stop for just a moment and pray for those who have lost someone to suicide... I want you to give a shout of praise to the LORD for saving people from suicide. I ask that you boldly ask GOD to shed light on those walking in the darkness right now... that they are about to see hope.

Almost 3 years ago I lost one of my best friends to suicide. You don't forget those phone calls... February 26, 2004 I answered my phone only hoping to catch up with the good friend from high school who was calling. But instead she brought me the news that Tim had committed suicide.

It's funny how the enemy works... with the news brought to me about Tim, all of my own pain and darkness from years before resurfaced. I felt nauseous. I suddenly remembered every moment that I attempted to end my own life. I was brought back into the darkness at that moment... satan takes what he can, including the things from your past that you've been healed of, and will twist and turn and distort them in whatever possible way he can, in hopes of pulling you back into that spot. His goal is to take you out... and he certainly tried... but... Light shines brighter than darkness.

GOD saved me from death with His simple words of "I love you", but unfortunately not everyone who was walking in the dark saw the Light at the end... not everyone believed there could be a way out. That's how the enemy works. He lies, telling you there is no hope and darkness will last forever.

My heart goes out to those who have lost a loved one to one of the biggest lies ever spoken by the enemy.

"Out of the darkness"... there is hope... this is a Light.

And to those who have survived... PRAISE GOD. I dance joyfully with you, thanking the LORD for pressing deep into your heart to show you the Truth, and for giving you eyes to see the Light. You are worth it. You are beautiful. You are Loved.

In the United states alone, there are an average of 30,000 suicides reported a year.
Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death for people between the ages of 14 and 25
A person dies of suicide every 18 minutes
A person attempts suicide every minute
There are four male suicides for every female suicide, but twice as many females as males attempt suicid
Every day, approximately 80 Americans take their own life, and 1,500 more attempt to do so

If you want more information about suicide or what AFSP is doing, check out their site.

The Light will come.

Season 6 of 24...

2006-11-16T12:28:00.000-06:00

Go watch this right now.

Get ready, because once again Jack Bauer will be kicking some major tail in order to save our beautiful country...

I hereby announce that there will be "24 Night" taking place at mine (and Steph's) apartment once season 6 starts. Come, watch, be amazed.

So I leave you with this... what would Jack Bauer do?

Progress (My) beloved

2006-11-09T14:08:00.000-06:00

"I will climb up to my watchtower and stand at my guardpost. There I will wait to see what the LORD says..."

Children... you have stepped into a season of progression. Put aside what you know and prepare for things that are unexplainable to your human understanding. It is time to leave what you know and be immersed into what you do not know. Let no fear capture your attention, for that is only the enemy pressing up against you, hoping to distract you from the words that I have for you. He presses himself up against you whispering lies and false knowledge, but you will know when I speak; My words will be known because you have heard Me in the past, but don't expect to hear Me the way you have before... for My words will come to you in a way that you do not expect, and at first you will be uncertain if you have heard Me. Do not question My voice. Give me your heart... when you do, words will stream over you like a flowing river and no doubt will enter your mind.

I see the tears that fall from your eyes, and the worry that you hold in your heart, but My child, release it. Hand it over to me and dwell on your fears no more. Again, you stand in a season of progression, which calls for you to move forward... advance into My Spirit. I Am waiting for you to trust Me and recognize the courage instilled in you. I have many great things I want to speak... I have many things I want to show... in order to hear and see these things, again, child you must move forward. You must progress in My Spirit. Do not try to understand, for your human mind cannot grasp what I have in store... but instead wait. Instead children, I ask you to just believe and wait expectantly. You will begin to see things you have never seen before, and feel things that are foreign to you. I am blowing my breath over your home preparing you for My Goodness that is coming. No human will be able to understand the Power that is to come, but you will know it is Me. Others will find excuses and come to conclusions that make sense to the world, but do not listen. They are not My children and have said 'no' to me, but you know, for you are Mine beloved.

Let your mind be transformed... do not question Me and My power... again, do not question Me for I Am God. Progress beloved; progress into Me and only Me. It is time...

Waiting [Room]

2006-11-03T23:28:00.000-06:00

Five weeks to go... five weeks of classes left that is, and then this girl will be done with undergraduate college courses for the rest of her life.

Wow.

I'm not really sure what to think. I'm ready to be done, but at the same time, I'm not ready to enter "the real world." The world of no vacations whenever I want... the world of paying for everything, myself (to some this may seem dumb, but I've been lucky and blessed to have parents who help me out in order that I hold no debt)... the world of no homework... the world of going to bed at 10:00 at night and getting up at 5:30 or 6:00 the next morning... the world of being a... responsible adult. Uhh... can I just stay a kid?

I don't feel like an adult. I wish I could get paid to just hang out... travel... sleep. Now that'd be sweet! I know, I know... VERY unrealistic, but honestly, that'd be awesome. Get paid to do whatever the heck I wanted. Now THAT'S when I'll be more then happy to enter the real world.

Though the "official" entering of the real world won't happen until May 12th, 2007, my life as a college student will pretty much be done on December 20th. As an Education major, I will start my student teaching, which is a full time job (where I don't get paid, but rather pay to teach) on January 15th. Since teaching will become my life in January, I have to quit my job at the beautiful Sullivan & Ward, which I have been at for 15 months. It's time, and I'm okay with quitting, but the fact that I will be unemployed... that is, making NO money for four months, terrifies me.

Welcome to the real world I guess... maybe I AM entering the real world sooner than I thought...

Come May though... I have no idea what the heck I'll be doing. Teaching?... maybe. Ministry?... I hope. The LORD has given me some awesome ideas, contacts, and paths to walk down, but He's already spoken that it's not time for me to know what I'll be doing... yet...

"Soon."

I'm currently standing in front of about five different doors right now which I can see in... I can see what's going on behind them and the opportunities and potential that they each hold... but yet have any of these doors opened.

"Soon."

When GOD says "soon" it makes me chuckle. Because the "soon" that I understand, isn't the same "soon" that GOD has in mind. Oh He's a funny one...

Yet despite the fear I have deep within, and the uncertainty, and the nervousness that I feel... GOD is Good. I have the Creator on my side. I have His Spirit living deep within my heart. I have the prayers of His Son being spoken over me. I have favor. And I will wait. I will wait for Him to direct me. I will continue to find Joy during this time that I stand in this waiting room.

...the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23)

No where does it say the Holy Spirit produces nervousness... or fear... or insecurity... GOD's Goodness surpasses all of those things. GOD is Greater and more Powerful then that uncertainty.

I definitely have my "oh my gosh, what am I going to do!" moments... but they're [actually] minimal compared to my "I'm fine, GOD has got my back" moments. And thankfully I have people in my life like my family and my boyfriend and my friends to keep me focused on the Truth.

I will never leave you nor forsake you... never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.

Thank you Father.

"Time after time, I find myself

Losing my mind, I have to remind myself

That this is just a waiting room"

Beautiful Fall

2006-10-18T10:43:00.000-05:00

It's finally becoming one of my favorite times of the year: fall.

With fall come some of my favorite things...

wearing "comfy clothes" (sweatshirts, pajama pants, scrubs)

walking outside into a nice cool breeze

the harvest

watching leaves change colors

snuggling up on the couch with a blanket, hot chocolate, and a good movie

inhaling cold air that I can feel go down into my lungs

playing sports outside and not sweating

picnics

dressing up in sweaters, nice pants, and heels [for special occasions]

the moon

bonfires with s'mores

plus, fall means less than 2 months until I can start snowboarding again

I love it.

ordinary of Greatness?

2006-10-12T23:09:00.000-05:00

I just might be the #1 homework procrastinator in the world. But if not #1, then I'm definitely #2. For example... I'm currently sitting in my favorite coffee shop [Java G's] doing anything and everything besides the main reason I came here: to do my homework. Obviously I'm writing this blog, along with feeding my addiction to MySpace and Facebook, looking up internships/job openings for Youth Ministry positions, checking out Denver Theological Seminary, writing emails, and reading my Bible... I guess if anything, reading my Bible is the only one of those that can be excused. The others can't be defended and quite honestly there is no excuse for me to be filling my time with them. I do not need to be writing my thoughts for the entire internet world to see... I do not need to be MySpace/Facebook stalking... I do not need a job at this moment in my life... I do not need to decide what Seminary I might want to go [yet]... I don't need to be writing random emails... there's no excuse.

But... I will say this... the Bible. I need it. Badly.

I can't get enough of it. I'm captivated by the Truth that He has spoken. I'm captivated by the Words that He releases into my broken heart and my messed up mind as my eyes flow across each page. I'm never short of astonished when healing and freedom over flow my spirit at the sight of a single word or phrase. I'm captivated...

He's doing something huge in this heart. But not only mine, in countless others hearts as well. Daily I'm surrounded by people who are passionately pursuing the Father in ways that leave me in awe. It's not a fluke... it's real. It's radical. It's beautiful. These are ordinary regular people who have accepted the great and powerful assignments the LORD has spoken over them.

Leading ministries, leading worship, starting ministries from scratch, quitting a job simply because the LORD said to, joining prayer houses, becoming missionaries...

I've been reading Joshua recently. I've read about him before, but the past couple days as I've read, I've seen a greatness... a radical ness... emerge from the very sound of his name.

Joshua... since I was little this has always been a name that I've liked. I clearly remember I had a grey pound puppy in which I named Joshua. Perhaps it has always seemed beautiful to me because of its meaning... "Yahweh is Salvation" or "Jehovah Saves"... though, I wasn't aware of what it meant until a couple of years ago. But when I was little, I wanted to name everything Joshua...

And today, all I want to do is tell people that GOD does in fact save. It's interesting though... a while ago I was talking to my mom and found out that Joshua was in fact one of the two names they had picked out for me if I had been a boy (Jacob being the other).

Joshua went from being a servant of Moses, to taking Moses' role when he passed on. GOD rose this boy up into something great because He knew the cry of his heart. I love reading about the ordinary... about the ordinary being called to greatness. And that greatness only occurs when the Father has called the ordinary to step forward.

Again, I think of Joshua (the ordinary) and I think of the people in my life; the ordinary people who have said "yes" and stepped out. The moment they exclaim "yes" is when the ordinary is crossed out and Greatness is written over them. They are no longer ordinary.

I don't quite know the reason of this post, other then to encourage each of you to be great. Often times when I write something and post it, I clearly know why I'm writing. He tells me why and He tells me what needs to be said... but this time, all I hear is "They will be great." So I pray this over you... Greatness. That you would recognize the power that you have within you because of Someone who is in fact the Greatest of all. That you have been made not to remain ordinary, but to rise up and do incredible things for Him, with Him.

Joshua said to the Israelites once they had returned to the land that GOD has promised them, "Make sure you do not associate with the other people still remaining in the land" (23:7).

Church, I call you to no longer remain ordinary. You are to set yourselves apart from those who do not worship Me. You are no longer in the same category as they are. You have made a choice to follow Me and allow My power to be released through you, allowing Greatness to overtake. Stop being lazy and expecting others to do the job that I have assigned to you. If you wish to blend in with the rest of the world, back away from Me and stop pretending that you love Me. I have called you children, and it is time that you decide who you are going to serve.

Romania

2006-09-13T13:08:00.000-05:00

Romania is one of the most beautiful countries in the entire world... yet among that beauty, spiritually speaking, it is probably one of the darkest places I have ever been engulfed in.

I first went to Romania right after my junior year of high school and then again after I graduated in 2003, but June 2005 was the last time I traveled there. Instead of being a student on the trip [as I was my first two years], in '05 I co-led a group of 10 fabulous high school students, and I can honestly say that it was one of the most amazing trips of my life.

Today is one of those days where I really miss being there. I miss the scenery... I miss seeing the stars... I miss walking everwhere... I miss going into a school and standing up in front of a class telling them about Jesus Christ... I miss going to small villages specifically to lay hands on the families lifting them up in prayer... I miss seeing the miracles that I saw... I miss... GOD speaking to me the way He did when I was there.

My friend Elizabeth went along with us last summer, but instead of coming home with us a month later, she stayed an extra 4 months. She's in this video that gives a brief synopsis of REMM's mission and goal: Romanian Evangelistic Medical Mission.

Getting emails and receiving phone calls from her every few weeks after our team had left to come back home was encouraging... the stories she had... the ways GOD was moving... the vision that was coming together... it all reminded me of how Faithful our Father is. My friend was able to give me intimate and detailed descriptions of what was happening - I felt like I was still standing directly in that battlefield with her. But it's hard some days [like today], where all I have to stay connected to Beius is a newsletter or a video every other month. I wish I could stand in that place again... just for a moment. I wish I had the honor to lay my hands on people with unknown illnesses again, boldly asking the LORD for a miraculous healing right then and there. I wish I could hold the hand of that little gypsy girl again, and tell her once more "Dumnezeu dragoste tu"... and I wish I could see her eyes light up again in awe.

Maybe one day.

As of right now, I don't feel that the LORD has called me to full time missions over in Romania. I absolutely love being there, but I am confident that He only wants me there for a few weeks at a time. Will I go back? I definitely hope He calls me back. I would love it... ideally, I'd love to do short term missions there with my husband, and then maybe again when I have kids.

But as I've been thinking about Romania non-stop today, He quickly reminded me that I am in the battle still. No I'm not standing on Romanian ground, but I'm standing among other intersessors throughout their country and throughout the world who are crying out for a healing to take place.

"Don't you trust that I am doing great things?"

Yes.

I don't need to be there to see what I saw. I don't need to be there to hear Him the way I heard Him. I don't need to be there to boldly lift up the broken. I don't need to be there. I was priviledged to have been there. GOD needs to be there. And He is. And He's working. And healing. And breaking down the walls. And He's commanding the darkness to leave.

Today I felt a connection with Romania that I haven't felt in ten months. He's so faithful. He'll take you there and show you things without you having to actually be there. He told me some of the things He's doing and what to keep praying for. He reminded me [again] today that He's still speaking... I just need to ask.

Call to Me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.

[Intimacy in the] Silence

2006-09-06T10:47:00.000-05:00

"...I'd rather stand here speechless, with no great words to say..."

Great lyrics. Great song. Great worship.

It's amazing the things you'll hear from Him when silent. When we find ourselves sitting with hands folded, Bible in front of us, waiting on GOD, we have a burning desire to fill the air with our own voice. Whether that voice be our audible voice or just allowing our mind to run mad. It's quite sickening when you think about it.

Have you ever been able to sit in that complete silence, and truly leave it at that? Have you ever heard nothing? When I say nothing, I don't mean have you ever not heard from GOD, but I mean have you ever not heard... a single thing. No thoughts. No words. No sounds. Nothing. Complete and utter silence.

Have you ever been so in awe of Him, that you find yourself buried deep within the loudest silence that you have ever encountered? Now, that's complete silence. That's where He's calling us to be. That's where we will hear the most direction, and truth, and reassurance, and confirmation, than any other moment in our entire lives. That we would be willing to abandon everything going on around us, in order to passionately pursue our Greatest Lover. To love with complete abandonment... to lose ourselves, and sit in complete silence... to sit with Him in the most intimate place we could ever be...

"I Love you."... the greatest words you can hear while in that silence. They're full of nothing but GOD Himself. That should be enough... it needs to be enough... it is enough.

Enter that silence place.
Wait.
Listen.
Give everything.
Fall passionately in Love.

Believe it or not, there's a lot more in that silence than your own voice. There's a lot more than you would ever expect... you might be surprised.

"...In the silence, You are speaking..."

Ramblings [of randomness]

2006-08-16T22:31:00.000-05:00

I tried Wakeboarding for the first time this past weekend. Besides having difficulties standing up, once I was able to get up, I think I did a pretty decent job. Having 8 years of snowboarding under my belt definitely helped a ton I think. It was actually really easy, but since I had never done it before, I was too nervous to try anything I wasn't perfectly comfortable with. Maybe next time I'll be a little more gutsy.

The weekend was full of firsts for me... besides wakeboarding, I also experienced the Iowa State Fair for the first time, where there I had my first corn dog. I must say, the fair meets every Iowa stereotype I've ever heard... white trash of America. Seriously... guys walking around with no shirts on, cut off short jean shorts, cow boy hats, missing teeth, girls wearing clothes they shouldn't be, strong southern hick accents, sitting on lawn chairs in front of houses drinking a beer while cussing up a storm at their spouse... it was awesome. I definitely had some great entertainment Friday. Thanks Iowa State Fair.

Classes start up again in 2 weeks... I'm gonna be honest... not really looking forward to it. I don't think this semester is gonna be an easy one.

After 8 months of prayer, I was given a direction to walk in after graduation come May. The Lord has given me a path to walk down and at least pursue [right now]; nothing is for sure - just checking things out. I'm excited, yet terrified at the same time. I'm still looking into a few places... an application process will come this winter, but I'll leave it at that for now. Updates will come as they surface.

So I work with this one lawyer who... how do I put this nicely?... creeps me out and annoys the crap out of me. I don't usually have a hard time loving people, but he is one of the few people who I find extremely hard to love. I don't like it when old men check me out... but besides that creepy factor, here's a guy who will take 30 minutes to tell a 5 minute story. He's extremely smart and remembers really random things (i.e. every teacher he ever had, what he was wearing while he were skiing 30 years ago, etc.), so he feels that it's necessary to include every... single... detail... when he tells me a story. Not to mention he is one of the slowest talkers ever. I'm sorry dude, but I don't want to hear about all the women you hit on, and please please stop looking at me like that. You could at least try to be somewhat discrete... sick.

I fell in love with a comedian this week. Check out Jim Gaffigan. Hilarious.

I'm helping my younger sister settle into her dorm room on Saturday. It's weird... she's going to college. I look at her and I still see a 12 year old little girl. The LORD is going to do big things in her life at Creighton. Plus, I love the fact that she's only 2 hours away from me. Oh how I wish everyone knew Beth; she's amazing (and I'm not just saying that because she's my sister).

The LORD said this recently... It is time to move into the Kingdom, for when you find your kingdom position, you shall enjoy the reality of all that you have read in My word and all that you have experienced. The days of My glory are upon you, and you are changed from glory to glory into My image. These are the times that you have yearned for and prayed for. When the reality of My kingdom becomes a fact in your life, you will experience the joy and peace of the kingdom, and victory will be manifest. Arise and come forth. Make the transition between the old and the new. It is My good pleasure to usher you into the reality of the Kingdom. I delight in you, and My delight is to have you experience that which has been prepared for you. Come forth and abide in the glory of this hour. You have received a foretaste, but now taste and see that which I do, and be satisfied. I pray it speaks truth [to you] in someway.

In Awe

2006-08-09T16:15:00.000-05:00

I know that the people who lived during "Bible Times" (or whatever you want to call it) are not any better or worse then us living today... they're human... flesh... they think, sin, and act the same way as we do. But it's hard not to place some of them on a pedestal and stand in awe.

One man: Paul (the former Saul). Talk about a dude who was kick a. But before Saul found GOD, yeah not so much... he was the son of a Pharisee making him too a Pharisee which he boldly lived his life as. He would not accept that Jesus was the Messiah. He persecuted those who followed Christ. He watched, if not participated in the martyr of Stephen. He threatened death on Christ followers, and even went through with murdering some of GOD's children. When you stop there, not so cool...

But something happened. GOD happened. Saul's eyes were finally opened to the Truth. Well... by opened I mean that GOD actually cast him into blindness, telling him to go to a city called Damascs, where he remained blind and was called to fast for 3 days. His sight was then returned to him... but his sight was something new, different... He had the LORD's eyes. This is where he got cool... he became Paul. The man who fell in love with Jesus and did whatever it took for people to hear His name. Preaching left and right whenever he got the chance, Paul walked away from death and became the man that GOD had made him to be.

It didn't stop there... Paul was falsly accused and thrown into prison where he prayed.. and prayed and prayed... if there ever was a prayer warrior, Paul's the man. If I was put it prison for not doing anything wrong, would I be able to sit and sing praises to GOD? Would I be able to find joy during that time? Paul did... and that's astounding. I'll be honest when I say that I don't know if I would find that joy and happiness and praise that Paul did. Dang. Paul trusted GOD more than words can explain... a guy that denied Christ... a guy that hated Christ followers... a guy that murdered the innocent... sat in prison trusting that His GOD would remain faithful to him. We don't deserve GOD to stick with us... His grace blows me away... but Paul, he knew the LORD would come through for him, so that's why he found joy in the hardest of times.

Just a sidenote... I love how people prayed then...

...they will be filled (Matthew 5:6)
...they will be freed (Isaiah 61:1)

They prayed knowing and expecting Him to answer. They didn't say "free them", but they spoke in confidence saying "GOD, you will free them." And that's what Paul did... he believed his Father would come through.

(Read Acts if you want to hear more about Paul's life)

We know that our Father remains faithful no matter what, but why is it so dang hard to remain faithful back? Why do we have such a hard time trusting the only One who will ever love us unconditionally? It just amazes me at how hard it actually is to trust Him. I can easily speak about how simple it is to remain faithful and trust, but man... actually doing it... so freaking hard! I wish that wasn't the case... I wish I could trust Him more. My heart deeply longs to trust Him more... and I know He's calling me to that place.

Paul was incredible because He had GOD living within him; we too can be as incredible as Paul. By become GOD-fearing men and women we have already reached that place; it's about GOD inside of us and once we have that, BAM!... we're breathtaking. We can't put others on a pedestal and stand in awe... GOD needs to be the One that we have our eyes fixed on.

... And thankfully... He remains faithful to me even when I'm being a complete idiot.

Beautiful.

Random thought (seeing as it seems to be wedding season...): I was lucky enough to witness the marriage ceremony of my friend Jenny, to the love of her life, Joe, this past weekend. It was an absolutely beautiful ceremony. She looked gorgeous as her father walked her down the aisle... and her smile was indescribable. For the past year I've been able to see this relationship grow into something beautiful. GOD has been the center, and that's the only reason they made it to the chapel. Their hearts long for Jesus, just as His longs for them. I know I'm probably not getting married anytime soon (seeing that I'm not even in a relationship...), but when I get to walk arm in arm with my dad towards that incredible man that I'll spend the rest of my life with (...and he will be incredible no doubt...), it will be one of the most amazing moments ever.

Prayer Like Never Before

2006-07-22T18:03:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been spending more and more time out in the country. From going on random drives, to visiting friends, to simply having dreams, this "country idea" is doing something deep within my heart... but I don't quite know what the complete picture is yet.

The recent weeks I've spent in the Iowan country, I'm not necessarily even doing anything, but I've enjoyed not doing anything more than I could ever explain. I've always been captured by GOD's beauty and loved being in His incredible creation, but I'm also always doing something while I'm in the center of nature. When I was growing up, we'd take family vacations up to Northern California or Colorado, and during those countless trips, I'd always have something to do; go snowboarding, hiking, biking, swimming, build a snowman, climb a tree, snowmobiling, throw rocks at squirrels, go boating... the list goes on...

The second I would find myself plopped back down on the log in front of the campfire or back on the couch in the condo, two words would leave my mouth; "I'm bored."

Don't get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with having activities to keep yourself busy while in the middle of nowhere, but how many times would I stop, look around, and take in everything around me?

Once? Twice maybe? My activities took front seat to praising GOD while submerged in His own masterpiece.

Over the past 6 years since becoming more serious about my faith, I always make sure to set aside at least an hour of my annual Colorado trip time to sit on top of the mountains and gaze out into the landscape, painting pictures of His craft in my head. Yet, even during those times when all I want to do is be worshiping, my "to do" list plants itself in the front of my mind.

I don't like that I always feel like I have to be doing something. Can't I just sit and not feel rushed? Can't I just sit in His presence without having constant thoughts shoot through my head? In the city (and the suburbs) there is always so much going on around me, it's almost impossible for me to ever just sit and not feel antsy. Even when laying by a pool, the things I "need to get done" enter my mind.

But something is happening within me... and even though I don't know how exactly to explain it, I absolutely love it.

Dreams about sitting in the country while doing nothing but listening won't stop... I'm finding myself purposely driving out into the middle of no where to sit and wait... for what? I don't know yet, but I have some ideas... I'm getting caught up in a beauty that I haven't seen before... having the ability to immerse myself in these random places without distraction and interruption is like nothing I've ever experienced before... all I want to do is sit in a field... weird? Quite possibly, but it's proof to me that He's changing the heart within this messed up flesh.

Just thinking about driving out to the country gets my heart pumping... leaving the chaos of a city looks like gold to me right now...

With all this, I'm being called to take some [insane] steps of faith in my prayer life. Scared? No... terrified.

But it's coming from the LORD, so it's the most beautiful terrified ever.

(He spoke this today... "God answered his prayer, and the angel of God appeared once again to his wife as she was sitting in the field...")

No Fear

2006-07-10T23:30:00.000-05:00

A friend and I were talking last night about the big dreams and visions for our lives.

It's amazing how many of these big dreams GOD has planted within each of us. But something we realized is that they're all incredibly unrealistic according to the world. We know that through Jesus anything is possible... what is impossible for man is possible through Christ... but then why are we still sitting around only dreaming about these visions?

Are they truly just that, only dreams?

My friend talked about one of his dreams being to open a 24/7 prayer center somewhere... that ain't just a dream. That's GOD. That's big. That's definitely a GOD-sized dream. The LORD has planted that seed deep within my friends heart... and I'm excited to hear about his passion for that vision. But he's stuck on what to do with it.

As for myself, for a while now I've had a dream of selling almost everything I own, packing up a car, traveling to each state spending 2 weeks in a specifically prayed out city, with the intensions of meeting people and pouring out Christ's love on them. In no way am I talking tracks... yes, sharing the gospel would (will) occur, but only when GOD speaks His Words through me. This can't just be a dream... it seems too big. Selling all of my stuff?! Dang. As of right now, I can honestly say that it would be extremely difficult for me to do that, but I pray that if this truly is a GOD-sized dream, my heart will one day be more than willing to give away everything I own. I do long for that day...

It seems that our hesitations to chase after these visions, come down to one thing: fear.

Fear of failure. Fear of disappointment. Fear of being wrong. Fear of being alone. Fear of not being provided for. Fear of death.

Fear.
Fear.
Fear.

We live in the greatest country in the whole world. I'm not trying to be some ignorant proud American, but seriously... the US is freaking awesome. Overall, we have pretty easy lives. We have freedom that a lot of other countries don't have. We're able to talk about Jesus in public. Carry around a Bible. We can wear whatever we want (which by the way isn't always a good thing...). We can get an education. We can travel to almost anywhere we want. All this stuff is great, but is it hindering us from going forth with our "unrealistic dreams"; our GOD-sized dreams? You'd think that because of this freedom we have, we'd run after anything and everything our hearts desire, but instead we've become consumed with being realistic and reasonable. Everything has to make sense and have a formula. We have forgotten Who our Creator is. We have forgotten what He is capable of. We care too much about what other people think of us. We care too much about money and material items. We only care about ourselves... we have to make sure that WE are going to be alright.

We're scared to step out and do something that puts another person first. We're scared to step out and do something that may not be stable. We're scared to let our family and friends down. We're scared to walk in a direction where the end result isn't clear.

So I ask you this...

What would you do if you had no fear?

Stop for a second and seriously think about the things you would do. GOD has planted those "crazy" dreams in you for a reason... but we're too scared. Maybe it's not the right time for some of those dreams, but will you ever allow that time to come?

Will you ever one day actually say "yes" to His visions? What is it going to take? How do we get there? What do we have to let go of?

I pray that one day we are able to live the life we were meant to live. To live completely and utterly for Jesus Christ. To stand up in His promises, grasp these dreams that the world tells us are "ridiculous", and run whole heartedly towards GOD with them, screaming "YES!"

The Desert

2006-07-04T23:57:00.000-05:00

Be careful to follow every command I am giving you today, so that you may live and increaseand may enter and possess the land that the LORD promised on oath to your forefathers. Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep His commands. He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD. Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the LORD your God disciplines you. Observe the commands of the LORD your God, walking in his ways and revering him. (Deuteronomy 8:1-6)

Those "forty years" are a constant in our lives. At least for myself, I haven't had just one "forty year desert" experience, but more than I could ever count. And surprisingly, I love that.

Finding myself in that "desert time" [for whatever reason it may be] is always nothing less than difficult and painful... yet there is so much beauty within those deserts. Feeling like I'm going crazy, or a constant flow of tears, or even sometimes the lack of tears, and just complete confusion... my own time in the dusty wilderness leaves me with these symptoms. I will feel unsure, unmotivated, stubborn, disconnected...

Incredibly enough, the one thing I'm never able to lose sight of or deny, is the constant Love poured over me by the only One who is with me every step of the way. Even the moments where I feel that I'm completely alone, He will press His never ending Love on me more... something that brings tears to the Father's eyes is when one of His children feels alone in the world. It breaks His heart. When I see a family member or friend feeling alone or unloved, all I want to do is pour my love into them even more. So just imagine how much more Love your Creator will pour on you when your heart is broken.

Moses reminds us why we enter these "desert times"... why God will allow us to be in a period of uncertainty. The middle of the desert is exactly where the LORD wants us... why? Because it's exactly where He is able to call us back to Him. He absolutely loves seeing you run after Him and call His name... He adores it. The desert is a place where He opens eyes to His mighty power and His never ending faithfulness.

"Even in the midst of your wondering, I Am here to provide. I Am here to protect. I Am here to remind you of Myself."

When we are madly in Love with Jesus, not only is His name imprinted on us, but His heart and commands are placed within us. The desert begins to wash away the old, and instill with us His Words. Finding our way out, our heart is renewed and each time we leave the sand, it can become more and more clear as to what we are chosing to live for... or ever more so, Who we live for.

As important as these deserts are for us, I'm excited to say that I'm in the process of walking on solid ground again. I would never change the most recent desert I've been going through for anything... yes, it's been hard and saddening, but totally worth it. He's captured my heart again, and I can't help but fall more and more in love with Him.

To weep in order to see clearly again? To stand in confusion in order to discover direction? To feel pain in order to be reminded of God's promises? To be "alone" in order to know God?

Yes. I say yes.

"If God can accomplish His promises in this world through a broken heart, then why not thank Him for breaking yours?" --Oswald Chambers--

Ottumwa and IHOP

2006-06-25T16:27:00.000-05:00

I had some much needed time away from Des Moines this weekend. I love DSM, but seriously, I get so worn out here. I don't know if it's work, school, stupid drama, or Des Moines itself. Maybe all of the above? I don't know, but let me tell you... leaving for 2 days was absolutely wonderful!

I drove down to Ottumwa, Iowa to stay with my friend Abby. I had never been to Ottumwa, so I was quite excited to see what this place was about. I've made some new friends from there over the past few months, so being able to step into their territory was refreshing. It's about an hour and fifteen minute drive and I always feel bad because they always drive out here to hang out... so instead, my friend Steph and I went to them.

While the three of us were hanging out at Abby's, another Ottumwan, Levi, came over. I'm a big fan of Levi. He's quite hilarious if you ask me. But, he also makes me laugh at things that I probably shouldn't laugh at... like if people heard me laughing at the things I was laughing at Friday night, I don't think people would think I was a very nice person... ANYWAYS, it was fun hanging out and talking with three wonderful people.

Here's where things got interesting... Levi had left and Steph was asleep... Abby and I were sitting in her living room talking. Out of no where, a bat comes flopping (yes, flopping) out of her kitchen and into the living room. My first reaction of course is to scream and run to the other side of the room. Abby, being the brave one, throws a blanket on top of it to trap it. For about five minutes we stood there, panicing, trying to figure out what the heck to do. Finally we (aka Abby) take a tennis racket, smacks the top of the blanket to stun the stupid thing, where it then begins to screech and squeal. She quickly lifts the blanket and forces the tennis raquet on top of it. It's trapped, but we watch this thing slither around underneath the racket. We knew we had to kill it somehow, so I suggested get a knife and stab it, but instead Abby took a curtain rod, and smashed it's head. Finally dead, we get it in a plastic bag, took it outside, and I decide to take a hammer to it... just in case the first blow to the head wasn't enough to kill it...

The next morning, Abby and I made out way down to the IHOP (International House of Prayer) in Kansas City. GOD was moving in big ways while we were there (but then again, when is He not moving?!). I've been dealing with a lot the past month and a half, so I had a pretty good amount of stuff to lift up. Graciously, the LORD answered my call and He confirmed a few things for me. I recieved some affirming and encouraging words from my brothers and sisters who were there to speak on GOD's behalf... I even had a 12 year old boy speak GOD's truth over me. It was incredible. The whole time I was there (and still even now) I have been soaking in a Love that I feel like I've been missing for the past month and a half. My heart is glad... and I'm joyful and ready... my passion for Him has erupted at a new level.

I need Him, and only Him. But it's amazing what I have to go through to remind me of that...

Praise God.

It's been a while...

2006-06-09T13:47:00.000-05:00

Why hello out there!... not really sure if anyone [still] reads this, but I felt it was time to make a reappearance on the good ol' blog. It's been a while, as this summer has brought a lot of new/exciting/crazy/busy things.

I've pretty much been spending every weekend since the beginning of May back home in Chicago. Yet now I'm back to DSM for the rest of the summer, or at least until the end of the month when I head back over to the Windy City, which by the way, Chicago is actually called the Windy City because of the amount of people that flow in and out. Yes it is actually windy there, but that's not the main reason it was labeled "The Windy City." Just a little insight for ya.

Work, classes, volunteering, and a new... friend?... has been taking up all the time that I haven't been in Chicago. I'm only working 24 hours a week, but I'm already sick of it. I miss summer's without work... though I know I need to bring in some income. Classes just started and it's reminded me how much I truly hate school. Or at least hate taking classes that will do nothing for me. I've also started volunteering more with a ministry called Freedom for Youth. This ministry is doing HUGE things in the city and my heart speeds up with excitement thinking about what else GOD is going to be doing. Manual labor for F.F.Y. will begin and I couldn't be more stoked! And my new friend... it came out of no where, totally random, but it's been good. He's a great guy. But, I'll just leave it at that for now. More later as/if things develop.

GOD has been quiet with me lately. It's hard not to associate HIM as a feeling sometimes. I am well aware that my Father has not left me stranded, but instead HE's silenced Himself around me. Though I don't know exactly what, HE's definitely up to something...

I hope to have more time this summer to update this thing with exciting happenings and [hopefully] insightful thoughts, but with more traveling, weddings, more school, etc. I can't promise anything... I always thought summer would bring me more free time, but boy was I wrong...

I pray that your heart is gladdened today. That the Joy of the LORD would rise up within your body and you find yourself doing nothing but singing praises to HIM.

MuteMath

2006-05-23T13:44:00.000-05:00

I'm sure anyone and everyone who loves music has those few specific bands/artists that they would love to talk to and hang out with.

Well, over the weekend I was lucky enough to hang out with one of my favorite bands; MuteMath. This was way exciting for me, and honestly it's probably a moment in my life that I'm never going to forget. Sure, famous people are just like everyone else, but there's just something about getting to meet people that you admire and really respect because of what they do. I'm no musician and I'm not inspired by them to go make my own cd, but simply because of the performance they give, where their hearts are in their music, and their creativity, arises something up within me.

I found out about a month ago that my friend Vince's band, fromLove, was going to be opening for MuteMath. Even though the show was in Grand Rapids Michigan (9 hours from Des Moines), I still decided to go. Watch my friend play and then my favorite band? Of course.

I had to bring a bass amp to the show for Vince, so I ended up getting to Grand Rapids at 3:30 in the afternoon (3.5 hours before the show started). During this time I sat outside in the back of the building with the guys of fromLove and watched the different bands go back and forth brining their equipment inside. I don't think I get star struck easily, but I just felt weird being surrounded by all these people who I hear on the radio and see on TV.

Finally I went inside to watch the show... fromLove did awesome, discovered a couple of new bands I really liked, got a couple drinks, and at one point turned around and Greg (the guitarist from MuteMath) was standing right by me. It was weird...

If you haven't heard of MuteMath or haven't seen them live, and you enjoy the industrial/experimental type music, check 'em out. They're incredible. This show was hands down, THE BEST SHOW I have EVER been to. Their energy is insane, the lead singer plays the keytar, the drummer ductapes his headphones on because he headbangs so much, the drummer also broke (no joke) about 20 drum sticks throughout the whole performance, the lead singer ran out into the audience, they make their own instruments... etc. I've never been so captured by a performance before in my life. Plus, the lyrics to all of their songs speak directly to the heart about the greatest Lover of all time. No doubt about it, I see Him in these guys as they share their talent.

So after the show, everyone got kicked out of the... bar/arena?... but because I was "with the band" (fromLove that is) I somehow got to stay. I then proceeded to go backstage with Vince and his band mates to ask them if they'd want to go hang out at Denny's. During this time I got a picture with the drummer Darren (picture above), and started talking with the guitarist, Greg. Myself, Vince, and Greg stood outside in the cold talking about life and music for about half an hour... where Greg gave me one of his picks and then put his jacket on me to wear... I felt like such a girl! I was wearing his jacket...

The rest of MuteMath and fromLove joined us, where we proceeded to Denny's. Since they only had their tour bus, I got to drive Paul Meany (the lead singer) and his wife to the restaurant... now THAT was weird. I admit that I was way nervous because I had this amazing musician in my car and was trying to figure out what music to put on... it was a big decision! Plus, then talking with him for the 20 minute drive was also intimidating...

Overall, I had an amazing time. These guys were exactly what I thought they'd be... super nice, so funny, and each have a heart to reach people and talk about faith with their music. They certainly know that He's given them a gift and they are called to use it to change hearts.

So if/when you ever get to hang out with your favorite band, even when you can keep your cool, inside you may be freaking out, but just go with it. It could be your one time to talk with them. Enjoy it and have fun.

2006 = the BIG 2-1 [for me]

2006-05-16T15:30:00.000-05:00

Though I turned 21 last week (May 7), I had something written up to post, but didn't... I don't know why, but here it is for you now...

2006 is the landmark of my 21st year alive. In our society, turning 21 is a Rite of Passage to some extent, and it seems to be one of the most important birthdays, if not the "most important" birthday of a persons life. When someone turns 21, they can pretty much do anything [that's legal] that they want; minus run for President or rent a car. Darn... I was really hoping to be a canidate in the 2008 Presidential election...

It seems that the "biggness" (if thats a word) of turning 21 didn't start today for me, but began the second that 2006 (the landmark year) rolled around. Here's a brief summary of the first 127 days of my 21st year; beginning on Jan 1, 2006 up until today, May 7, 2006:

Recoperation from wedding. Relaxation.
Truths surface. DTR.

Prayer for the bars.

Digging deep in the Word. Growth.

Painting. Artist re-inspired.

Minnesota road trip.

Constant Worship.
Career direction.
Confusion.
Leadership offers.

Dodgeball - The Conan.

Snowboarding accident. Hospital.

Miraculous physical healing.

A new [incredible] friendships.

Brokenness. Sucking carpet. Sweet brokenness.

Answered prayers. Direction.

Stepping down. Stepping up. Clear ministry direction
Release of baggage. Beautiful release.
Season of being MIA.

A new coffee shop.

Confidence. Encouragement.
Showered in Love. Filled with Joy.
Rebirth.
Beginning of a new chapter. Blank pages.

New "seeing" eye drops.

Dreams. Dreams. More dreams.
A new Love story.

Rain. Cleansing.
A heart being mended. Healing.
Forgiveness.

Condo hunting.

New [blonde] hair.

Knowing my worth. Not settling.

Being pursued. Falling in Love.

End of school.

Turning 21. My first legal drink.

Angels.

Ready for every single thing GOD has in store for me...

Not even half way through 2006, GOD has already put and allowed so many beautiful (and not so beautiful) things, people, oppertunities, experiences, words, etc. to cross my path. I've never in my life felt so challenged, pursued, broken, full of joy, unsure, and confused all at the same time in all my life. But the cool thing is... it's honestly been one of the best seasons of my life; And I know that things are only going to get better as this year [and the rest of my life] continue on.

My 21st year really has been big... HUGE in fact. I've always "known" that turning 21 was big (though I was never really sure why it was such a big deal - because now can order myself a margarita or wine whenever I want?), but I definitely didn't expect everything stated above. My 21st year has been deeper than buying a lotto ticket... deeper than ordering an alcoholic beverage... deeper than "finally feeling like an adult" (which I still don't by the way)... it's been all about Psalm 5:7, 1 Corinthians 5:7, 2 Corinthians 5:7, Hebrews 5:7, James 5:7, and 1 Peter 5:7...

"But I, by your great mercy, will come into your house; in reverence will I bow down toward your Holy Temple"... "Get rid of the old yeast that you may be a new batch without yeast - as you really are"... "We live by faith, not by sight"... "During the days of Jesus' life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his relevant submission"... "See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains"... "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you"...

Funny how these 6 verses handed to me by Him to represent this year [thus far] all occur in the 7th verse of the 5th chapter of each book. 5:7... 5/7... May 7. Crazy. That is the Hand of GOD.

I'm gonna go a little cheesy on y'all for a second and thank some key people who have been at my side during this painfully and beautiful insane ride... Mama Cav, Rebecca, Bethany, Mel, KDorr, Nic, Amanda, and Button. I don't know how I would have gotten through some of this stuff without each of you. GOD used specifically you to play a major role in my life these past 4 months, and I pray that He continue to have you be heavily involved in my life past this 21st year. You all are amazing examples of what women of GOD should look like. I love each and every one of you more than I could ever explain.

GOD uses people to help us mature and grow in our walk with Him, so find those who encourage you, hold you accountable, call you out, and walk with you no matter what the circumstance.

I pray that the rest of this year for you, whether it's the land mark of your 15th birthday or your 60th birthday, is all about Jesus.

Happy 2006.

David Blaine

2006-05-14T23:33:00.000-05:00

Have you ever heard of David Blaine?

If you have I'm sure you wished you didn't, but if you haven’t, I'm sure you're now extremely curious and want to know...

David Blaine is a... magician... er... illusionist... er... a dude who uses demons to perform what our world calls "magic tricks." No joke. This dude FREAKS me out. I'd seen a couple of his specials on TV a year ago, but within the last 2 weeks, I can't seem to escape him. Anytime that I turn on the tube, turn on the radio, or hang out with people, David Blaine's name always seems to follow.

I feel like I'm supposed to pray for him or something.

But seriously, if you've never seen any of his specials, I'd recommend taking a look. Specifically to check out how whack this guy is.

Most people who are considered to be "magicians" are in actuality illusionists. They perform illusions, which are only visual tricks of the mind, or slips of the hand. David Copperfield is an example of a very famous illusionist. He has made a space shuttle and the Eiffel Tower "disappear"... but it's all just an illusion.

David Blaine does do some illusions, but his other stuff is nothing but witchcraft.

On a special of his tonight he said, "It's not black magic... I'm just an entertainer... it's only fun..." Sure, it's all fun and games until someone begins to levitate or starts reading somebody’s mind. And might I add, every time after Blaine levitates, which he clearly does (this is all done on the streets; no stage, props, nothing), he suddenly gets nauseated and dizzy for about a minute after landing back on the ground. Perhaps because he had some spirits helping him out? Uh, yes. AND, when he has people think of a number between 1 and 1,000 or has someone think of any object or person that is important to them, he stares intensely into their eyes and often yells "Give it to me! Give it to me!" Seconds after, says exactly what the person was thinking of. Again, demons?

I vote yes. Not only can I see the creepy stuff happening while he does his magic, but just look at his eyes... his face. He once said his tricks can be compared to Voodoo... if I'm not mistaken, that is in fact a form of black magic witchcraft... O-kay DB...

Seriously, this guy is possessed.

On a happier note... I went down to IHOP (International House of Prayer) in Kansas City over the weekend. The LORD and I had some good quality time together, and I also had a few encounters with some angels. It was pretty sweet. But that'll be a different post for a different day…

Angels and demons… real as night and day.

Dreamer

2006-04-30T17:22:00.000-05:00

If you haven't seen the movie "Dreamer" go see it. Talk about a movie with deep spiritual prophetic meaning... I won't go into my own thoughts about it and how it affected me, but I'd really encourage you to sit down, open your heart up, and listen to the Truth being told from this incredible story.

Dreamer

Love woke me up this morning
With a memory
Love came and whispered a story
That awakened a dream

Imagine a beautiful castle
And a beautiful king
He left the comfort of his throne
To fight for victory

I am a dreamer
Take me higher
Open the sky up
Start a fire
I believe
Even if it's just a dream

Love woke me up this morning
And I ran to see
The king in the winners' circle
On the horse he won for me

I am a dreamer
Take me higher
Open the sky up
Start a fire
I believe
Even if it's just a dream

Only a king would do anything
To protect the kingdom
Only a king would do anything
To protect the kingdom

I am a dreamer

Take me higher

Open the sky up

Start a fire

I believe

Even if it's just a dream

Glorious!

2006-04-24T22:02:00.000-05:00

GOD is so faithful! I wish I could describe to you the joy that I feel and the smile that's on my face!

He brought me to the most beautiful book in the Word the other day, telling me to recite this:

I sit in his delightful shade, and taste his delicious fruit. He escorts me to the banquet hall; it's obvious how much he loves me (Song of Songs 2:3b-4).

He won't allow these verses to escape my mind; it's incredible!

What does shade do? It protects us from the sun. Yet, it also brings a place for coolness. Think about it... during a hot summer day we often delight in finding a shady area to rest in after we've become tired from the sun; we find a tree to sit under, one of those huge umbrellas at the beach, a gazebo, because the coolness refreshes us. And where do you go when you get all sweaty and uncomfortable from the burning hot sun? To the shade. Inside, to where there are walls that ultimately bring nothing but shade; protection. GOD's shade is protection, hence He tells us to delight in His shade.

Fruit... fruit is healthy, juicy, and refreshing. There's a reason that fruit was used in this verse, verses bread or manna. Fruits bring cleansing to the body... GOD brings cleansing to the body. There's a pattern here. When He tells us to taste His delicious fruit, He's referring to Himself, His goodness, His beauty.

He escorts me to His banquet hall. Banquet halls are used for big events or celebrations such as weddings, birthdays, or anniversary's. And an escort is a man leading a woman (but in biblical terms, men are included in being the bride); the Man in this case is GOD... He leads us, His bride, into an amazing banquet hall in celebration of having YOU at His side. This leads to the fourth part of these verses...

He does all this because of His great love that He has for you! Someone wouldn't protect you, allow you to taste their goodness, and escort you somewhere if they didn't love you. Another version says "He brings me to the banquet hall, so everyone can see how much he loves me." He wants to show you off!

I would encourage each of you to dig deep into these verses, or any other verses within Song or Songs... they are love poems for YOU from the LORD. The intimacy written within these Words are deep. They're written in the form of a husband and wife talking together... that in itself is intimate. GOD is our husband and YOU are His wife (even you men out there!), so to read this book and know that the intimacy is deeper then that of an earthly husband and wife... whew! THAT is crazy to think about. Oh but how beautiful.

How glorious!

Sweetly Broken

2006-04-20T13:03:00.000-05:00

Sweetly Broken

To the cross I look,

to the cross I cling

Of its suffering I do drink

Of its work I do sing

For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed

Showed that God is love

And God is just

At the cross You beckon me

You draw me gently to my knees,

and I am

Lost for words,

so lost in love,

I’m sweetly broken,

wholly surrendered.

What a priceless gift,

undeserved life

Have I been given

Through Christ crucified

You’ve called me out of death

You’ve called me into life

And I was under Your wrath

Now through the cross I’m reconciled

In awe of the cross I must confess

How wondrous Your redeeming love and

How great is Your faithfulness

At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees,
and I am
Lost for words,
so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken,
wholly surrendered.

This song is beautiful. The LORD captured my heart with the lyrics... sweetly broken. Oh how incredible that is! To know that when we have been broken, it can be sweet... Sweet because GOD is the One who allows us to break! Brokenness is incredible! You know it is truly HIM when joy and peace and confidence and comfort fill the dents and the cracks of the broken pieces within us.

When, though you know your heart has not fully been mended yet, you find yourself getting lost in Yeshua's beautifully overwhelming Love. When Joy is all that you are able to feel. When, you would have imagined yourself falling heavily into dark depression because of the revealed brokenness, the Light is so bright that even when you look, you can't find any darkness. When you know that you have wholly surrendered yourself to HIM, and your heart is ready for healing, even when you know that it's not going to be easy. When GOD's smile overtakes your face and you cannot rid yourself of it. When all you want to do is, as a friend of mine says, "suck carpet" before the LORD.

Now that's beauty.

That's being...

Sweetly Broken.

Paying [Inside]

2006-04-19T11:39:00.000-05:00

Today, for the first time in my life... ever... I went inside the gas station to pay for my gas. No more of this outside, pre-pay with a credit card stuff.

I feel all grown up now.

On the Road

2006-04-16T16:18:00.000-05:00

I hope you get where you're going, and be happy where you do. Jack Kerouac

I'm currently reading On the Road by Jack Kerouac. Only about a third of the way through, I'm already inspired. I like this book a lot. It reminds me of Jesus. No... this book isn't about Jesus and it certainly wouldn't be located under the "Christian" section at your local Barnes & Noble, but I can't help think about the Christ. This dude, Jack, back in the 1950's took a little road trip with a buddy of his from their home on the east coast, to L.A. Along the way, they run into all sorts of different people, learn about themselves, and learn about the different scenes they find themselves in. There is a whole different world outside of their home town.

For about a year now, I've had this dream of doing this... minus the hitch hiking and getting drunk part. The LORD has added a little spice to the vision He's given me. I'd be heading out, specifically to love people, just like Jesus did. He traveled around, pouring His love out to everyone He came in contact with. If money and commitments weren't a barrier [right now], I'd pack up my little stratus tonight, get out my United States Atlas, and head for... everywhere.

Walk into the poorest of poorest nieghborhoods to share Jesus. Drive into the richest of the richest nieghborhoods to do the exact same thing... share about my King. Sit down at the counter of a diner and talk to my waitress [or waiter] about the Father. Make myself comfortable on a park bench next to someone waiting for the bus specifically to tell them how much they are loved. Visit a random church along my way and pray for the young girl who's eyes are filled with tears; because I know that Yeshua would have comforted her.

My hearts aches to meet people. That burning desire just became so much more clear to me over the past couple of weeks as the LORD has been flooding my life with new faces and friendships. He's been good. Amongst some pain and heartache, He's reminded me of His children; He's opened up my heart more to seeking after and building beautiful relationships with Him as the center. Not that I haven't done that in the past; it's just different now... and I can't quite explain it.

These new friends have been a blessing that I never saw coming. Both believers, and non. And I've been touched and challenged by each and every one of them. They've all, without knowing it, helped with healing that is taking place, and encourage me to live my life more and more for Christ. One in particular (you know who are K.D.) has given me a whole new look on how to live for God and how to worship Him in my darkest hours. She encourages me in ways I can't even describe. Her wisdom is truly from the Father; when she opens her mouth to speak, all I can hear and see is Him flowing out from within her. The LORD allowed us to randomly meet at the perfect time. He's good like that. I pray that I've been half as much the blessing to her that she has been to me.

My point?... People. I want to go meet people. I want to go meet people where they're at. If they're not going to go to church, then let me bring church to them. If they're in church, allow me to join them. Let me walk with God in meeting them under that bridge... in that bar... at that park... at that tattoo parlor... in that coffee house... on that mountain... on that bike trail... at that gas station...

God made me so He could use me. And I can only pray that He uses me, just as He has used these new friends of mine to touch my life. I know I don't need to leave Des Moines to meet Christians and non Christians, but traveling to do this has definitely been something growing deep within my heart for a year now. To travel for months, even a year, with the goal of building incredible relationships with God as the guide... to be encouraging to people... to challenge people... that's how I desire to be used. If I could know that I've made one person feel loved and encouraged with Jesus's love, then I know I've done at least something right.

I'm currently on the road...

but we'll see if He calls me to a bigger road sometime in the future.

Wonderfulness of it all...

2006-04-13T11:24:00.000-05:00

My roommate is so cute. That's her in the picture. This Texas girl was ecstatic to find herself face to face with an original Texan himself, President Bush earlier this week when he stopped here in DSM. "We talked about Texas!" Of course they did!...

I highly recommend trying a Vanilla & Raspberry Italian Cream Soda. It's quite refreshing on a warm sunny afternoon.

While doing some reading at Drake's student union the other day, I met this kid that we'll call, John. John is an international student from Kenya studying Actuary Science... and I got to tell him about Jesus. He had never heard of Adam and Eve. He had never heard of the Trinity. He had never heard that Jesus was sent to this earth to die for us. He had never heard... of Jesus Christ. He poured out question after question after question... it was incredible. Though he remains interested, he "wants to hear more, but only for the history aspect of it", I wouldn't be surprised if in the [near] future the LORD knocks his socks off. I pray for John.

I just found out that "Des Moines" means "The Monks" in French. Really shows how 6 years of French did me any good...

I'm finally beginning to get a grasp on the ministries that the LORD wants me to serve in. My plate was beginning fill up. It's weird, offer after offer after offer were being presented to me, asking me to play a key role in some rather large organizations/ministries. I'm still unsure of why the sudden push and determination from these people to get me on board, but I'm beginning to see that is has to be God. He wants to do big things through me, and I'm ready to take that! I hope you are too... because He wants to do big things through YOU as well.

It's 84 degrees out right now... it's time for this girl to go put on a skirt, head outside, and dig into a fabulous book; while sipping down a Grande Mocha Mint Frappe from the G's. Enjoy the weather friends!!

The prettiest girls in the world live in Des Moines. - Jack Kerouac

Dance, Dance

2006-04-11T23:55:00.000-05:00

This guy makes me laugh.

youngin's

2006-04-11T12:18:00.000-05:00

Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these (Matthew 19:14).

I love little kids. There's something about watching a little one run around laughing, fascinated by everything they see, that brings a huge smile to my face. They are so interesting to watch. Whenever they touch something, it's quite possibly the greatest thing they have ever touched... until they discover something else. Without knowing it, they're so passionate about everything around them; they want to know it all, touch it all, play with it all, taste it all. They long to discover everything in the world.

Children depend on their mom and dad to show them things, to grow, to develop. They trust their mom and dad... they believe everything that their mom or dad tells them. They have faith. God calls us to have child-like faith. Paul called Titus his "true child in the faith we share." Faith of a child. Why? Because children truly believe what you tell them. They can't analyze or question... they trust their parent and even believe in the unseen. Yes, it's good to question, but often times as believers we fall too far into that hole then we should. God says He will provide, protect, and love. Why can't we just believe it and not need physical evidence? A child doesn't need evidence; they just believe. What has happened to the child within us? The trust we used to have in God? Our child-like faith?

This past weekend I was at my usual homework spot, Java G's, where the cutest little blond boy walked in with his mom. He sported some shades a tad too big for his little face, and right away become fixated on everything around him. For about 45 minutes, I sat in awe of this child. He ran from one thing to another, attempting to grasp all that he could with his little hands. He mimicked the people around him. He talked to himself (in his own language or course). He acted like a child.

It was beautiful.

This made me think about how I can't wait to be a mom. I'm definitely not ready to be a mom, but I'm way excited. And quite honestly, I think that I'm going to do a good job at it. The idea of raising kids, with God as the center, brings a lot of joy to my heart. It's really going to be exciting to be married to an incredible man of God, and partner with him in raising our children to be Godly men or women.

So I end with this... go be a kid. Roll around in some dirt. Jump in a lake. Be fascinated with everything your eyes meet. Laugh at everything. Run around flailing your arms.

Be free.

Have faith like a child.

Read

2006-04-09T11:59:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine had an article published on relevantmagazine.com
Take a look.
Feeling the Fireworks
k
It's interesting to sit and think... how has God romanced you? Stunningly Slowly? Violently beautiful? In the middle? He has... He is... and He will continue to. But what made you decide to take Him up on His offer of spending your life with Him? Did things slowly flourish, or did He swiftly knock you off your feet out of no where?

Be blessed friends.

Laughing (until it hurts)

2006-04-08T01:39:00.000-05:00

I love those times when you laugh so hard you can't breathe... your stomach hurts... you snort... your face turns bright red... your eyes swell up with tears... you cover your mouth with your hand... your laugh becomes silent... you release a high pitched yell once your silent laughter ends... you hit the table with your hand... you can't stop laughing even when the joke is long over...

I had a night filled with that kind of laughter.

I loved it.

sad story

2006-04-06T12:53:00.000-05:00

I got on my bike to go for a ride.

There I discovered a flat tire.

I couldn't go on my ride.

The end.

half ready

2006-04-04T22:20:00.000-05:00

I like the idea of molting.
I'm ready.

But I don't like the idea of jumping off the cliff.
Not yet.

YOU are Everything

2006-04-02T13:32:00.000-05:00

Ladies... I want to encourage you with a few words that a friend emailed to me the other day.

You are beautiful.
You are the apple of His eye.
You are His princess, His Bride.
You are all things good, as you were created in His image.
You are on a God-blessed journey to the heavens!

We often don't believe these [very true] words about ourselves. It's easy to see them in others, but the enemy tells us these words can't define you. Yet, we know it's the enemy... and we know it's nothing but lies. Cold, dark, ugly lies. But still, we take them as truth. We all have those certain lies we fall into believing... what are they?

Confession: the biggest lie I'm told... "You're not worth running after. You're worthless. You're not worth sticking around for."

I was watching a movie called "Pay it Forward" (watch it if you've never seen it). Towards the middle of the film, a woman is standing on the top of a bridge, ready to commit suicide. A homeless man comes running up to her pleading that she not jump... it went something like this...

Man: "Please! Come down from there! Don't do it, please!"
Woman: "Get away! Don't try to help me... I'm not worth it!"
Man: "...you're not worth it?... What do you mean you're not worth it?"
Woman: "I'm not worth it! Trust me... you wouldn't understand."
Man: "... but I do understand... I live in this messed up world and I'm treated like garbage... please... take my hand. Come have a cup of coffee with me... don't do this... please."

When you're standing up on your bridge wanting to jump... believing the lies... God says "Take My hand... I do understand. I was mocked, beaten, killed... because to Me, you are everything. Walk away from the lies and just come have a cup of coffee with me. Please."

So I plead with you... smash these lies. Because you know what? God says you're so much more; more than I can express to you. Crush the lies. Run from the lies. It's a daily battle... daily... but when you know the truth about yourself, what HE thinks of you and how HE made you, the lies can't help but flee. His power is stronger. Light is brighter than darkness.

So again, hear her words to me. Hear me say them to you. Hear GOD say them to you.

You are beautiful.
You are the apple of His eye.
You are His princess, His Bride.
You are all things good, as you were created in His image.
You are on a God-blessed journey to the heavens!

"_____" Healing

2006-04-01T23:59:00.000-06:00

I witnessed massive amounts of healing begin to take place this week.

Physical healing, emotional healing, spiritual healing... graciously He released His healing hand upon some absolutely beautiful [young] women.

I love that God enjoys showing us what He can do. I love that He actually allows us to see what He can do. I love that He wants to do big things. I love that we can be apart of those big things. I love that He uses us to perform these... miracles. I love that nothing big can happen without His hand. I love that nothing is impossible with Him.

I love that He gave me new eyes. I love that He has given you new eyes... and I love that He will continue to give eyes to see the Truth of who He is and what He can do.

My eyes have been fully opened to a new reality. The reality of healing... the reality of miracles. They happen. They're as real as night and day. They don't just occur in third world countries... God doesn't only work powerfully in poverty stricken countries, as some may believe. He's doing stuff here; big stuff. Look around... He'll show you.

Healing... it's a beautiful thing.

[anti] Dr. Pepper

2006-03-30T11:29:00.000-06:00

I like that the guy in the photo is pouring out a can of Dr. Pepper.

Personally I think that Dr. Pepper (after Rum of course) is the worst drink ever created. yes, EVER.

If someone were to line up five cups, pour four different kinds of alcohol in four of the cups, put Dr. Pepper in the other, and I was to smell each of them to identify which cup was Dr. Pepper... I'm about 88.75% sure I wouldn't be able to do it. Dr. Pepper smells exactly like some nasty, revolting type of alcoholic beverage to me.

And if Dr. Pepper isn't horrible enough to begin with, they had to invent the following:

Diet Dr. Pepper
Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper
Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper
Caffeine Free Dr. Pepper
Caffeine Free Diet Dr. Pepper (what the?!...)
Dr. Pepper with Berries & Cream

Okay no... just stop it with the Dr. Pepper folks. It's gross.

Can I get an Amen?!

(dis)assembled

2006-03-29T14:32:00.000-06:00

I feel the way this picture looks.

It took me a few minutes to figure out how this dude was bent and twisted, trying to identify what limbs were his arms and what limbs were his legs. Ouch.

My snowboarding fall has really taken a toll on me. I've forgotten how much physical pain can affect a persons daily thoughts and feelings. Meidcation can only do so much. It's only been six days, but already I feel spiritually and emotionally weak... lost... exhausted.

It's been nice not going into work and skipping classes in order to rest and get some extra sleep, but... I feel... really out of it... distant would be a good word. When you find yourself in bed for insane amounts of hours, eyes glued to the tube and the inside of your eye lids, having hardly any contact with anyone, it's only normal that you feel out of the loop. And lonely.

Oi vey.

How the ["permanently"] physically broken live day to day, I don't know. God is a healer (check out some of His best healings in a little book called the Bible)... now I can see why it's a specialty of His. Physical pain really can bring darkness (in all areas of ones life - mentally, etc). But healing... that's when vision is restored.

Huh... the concept of healing... seems to be a continuous recurrence in life recently.

Spring better get here fast.

So if you would, please say a quick prayer of healing for me. Thanks friends.

[HE brings] Freedom

2006-03-27T22:01:00.000-06:00

Praise God... freedom for this man.

I pray he be protected, and continue to run after the Holy One even while mobs of people [most likely] hunt him down so they may put him to death themselves.